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10 Occupations with ‘Partying’ in the Job Description13

By Jason L. Cooper

10 Occupations with ‘Partying’ in the Job Description

BFF’s Elle and Marci, from the series We Are With The Band, live their lives by a very sacred code: “Make the scene, by any means.” And as attractive 20-somethings living in Los Angeles, there is no end to the misadventures they can get into: late-night raves, secret band gigs, 3am deli’s. They take full advantage of the cornucopia of debauchery that is the City of Angels – and they also do yoga for balance.

Nevertheless, life is not always movie-premieres and master cleanses for trendsetters. There is more to life than keeping up appearances and making all the other gals envious with your stone-cold-foxness. It is a full time job trying to make every scene. The travel, the ab workouts, the late nights, the high heels – it’s all quite draining. But that party at the end of the rainbow makes it all worthwhile.

Luckily for those who would rather do nothing but party, there are job descriptions that require a bionic liver and upscale hair product. For those that want to stick it to The Man, here’s a list of 10 actual professions where, when you go to work, you also go to party.

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1. Reality TV Star

These days, to get your own reality show you just need to be a muscular East Coast tool or someone who was famous in the 1980’s. In fact, I think VH-1 might as well change its name to: “Whores and Idiots Who Want Desperately to be on Television.” Maybe they could shorten the name to “WIWWDOTV-1.” (I should qualify that statement by mentioning that if a network were interested in having me create a Reality TV show, I am available.) Regardless of how I feel, however, the Reality TV Train ain’t slowing down. And the people/contestants/survivors/tools and Situations on reality shows truly take advantage of their 15 minutes. There’s always plenty of champagne, exclusive clubs and promiscuity for even the least desirable of candidates. And the truth is, the louder, funnier and raunchier you are on your first reality show, the more likely you are to be cast in another one. And when that happens, your glorious 15 minutes of fame and partying ways will go on. Thank goodness we live in a country that allows that to happen – again and again.

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2. Lobbyist

To date, there are over 17,000 lobbyists based out of Washington D.C. and each one of them would love to twist the ear of the President and the members of Congress. Each one of them desperately wants to forward their agendas. Whether it’s the NRA or the AAA or Agribusiness, they make promises, cut deals and, you guessed it, party, for each and every cause. The best way to get what you want to is to lavish the one you’re trying to woo not only with words but with vacations, prime rib and expensive booze. And probably a few other less family-friendly things we won’t mention here. With all the cash the special interests have on hand, you know they have to throw some raging parties. Body shots for clean energy?

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3. Pharmaceutical Representative

When a rich and powerful company hands you a fist-full of pills to sell, that is a party. And when those companies put you up in hotels and buy you dinner, that company wants to do a bit more than just party with you. Make sure they put a ring on it.

4. Charlie Sheen

Yes, being Charlie Sheen is a job. Anyone who has followed the interweb rumor sites or the Evening News with Diane Sawyer realizes that it is not easy to be Charlie. It’s a 24-7 party. You get paid well, but it really takes a toll on your body, mind and movie career. Though descended from a royal party family, his famous father and semi-famous brothers have long-since turned a corner and given up their partying ways. Charlie has not. In fact, he’s had to kick it up a few wacko notches with more hookers and blow… so they say.

5. Event Coordinator

On the surface, this job may seem very unlikely to lend itself to partying, but the truth is, just because you help organize the party doesn’t mean you don’t get to partake in it. Please allow me to elaborate using an instance from personal experience. The night of my wedding there was a case of wine left. We gave it to our wedding coordinator. No one heard from her for a month. When she resurfaced, she had cornrows and was covered in Muppet tattoos. She knew how to party. And when you’re the event coordinator, it’s not just the booze you have access to, it’s the food and the gift bags. You know why you were told you needed martini-fixings for 50 people for the company Christmas Party though you were only expecting 30? Let’s just call it the coordinator’s “discretionary fund.”

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6. Renaissance Faire Performer

5 words: Wenches. Costumes. Turkey. Bustiers. Grog.

A host of geeks, in costumes, celebrating a time when wearing a dress and passing out on the street was expected… by men.

7. Limousine Drivers

If you drive a limo, there’s no getting around the fact that once in a while you’re going to have to drive a car full of obnoxious teenagers to prom – and they probably won’t tip you. But for every one of those stories there are three about the time you drove P-Diddy to Vegas and back wearing nothing but your chauffeur’s cap, diapers and rainbow suspenders.

Those at the helm of the noble limo are privy to the best and worst of industry. From tycoons to celebutantes, there’s nothing you can’t learn from that cushy front seat. You’ll know where the party is because you’re the one driving them to it. Plus, the whole time your passengers are inside, they have no idea what you’re doing. Maybe you decided to crash that party in disguise. Maybe you’re helping yourself to the bar in the backseat. Your car, your rules.

8. CEO of a Fortune 500 Company

The Fortune 500, a list of companies started by Fortune Magazine in the 1950’s, is essentially a way to rank the most powerful and profitable companies in the nation. If you’re a Fortune 500 company, you’re on top, or very near the top, of the proverbial heap. The Fortune 500 list is led by the likes of Wal-mart, Exxon and Land O’ Lakes. (Seriously, it’s ranked number 226.) The CEOs of these companies make A LOT of money. Whether they deserve the bloated salaries they receive is open to debate, but you cannot deny that when you’re at that level, you can have, get, be, and own anything you want. And should you ever do something crazy enough to get fired, the company will give you a huge severance package. That’s where the term golden parachute came from. And, according to some sources, the term ‘purple rain.’

9. Roadie

Roadies work hard, but they play even harder. After setting up and tearing down a stage, it’s off to the after party and all the drinks and babes the rock stars or leading sopranos don’t want to bother with.

10. Mixologist/Bartender

The mixologist is blessed, and cursed, with the job of guaranteeing that you get your Kamikaze shot, 007 martini or Betty White’s Nipple, regardless of how obscure the combination of liquids may be. But what happens to those drinks that no one wants? It’s the mixologist’s choice. And they normally choose to drink it themselves. Quality control, you know.

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Jason L. Cooper is a writer and wine-drinker who lives in Los Angeles, CA but wishes he lived in Portland, OR. He’s worked on several feature films, most recently Cats & Dogs II: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. His latest book of poems, Losing the Perfect Battle, was nominated for nothing prestigious-sounding. He has a lovely wife, a swell kid, and two spoiled dogs and would someday like to own a motor home.

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Must Reads 9/15/2014