13 Celebrities Who Would Look Sexier As Vampires4
By Chris Littler
13 Celebrities Who Would Look Sexier As Vampires
The rules of Vampire-dom sure have changed over the years. What was once “never go out into sunlight or you will die” is now “sunlight is like super annoying.” Garlic is just another ingredient in lasagna, and a stake through the heart is just a thing of mistaken mythos – one of those jokes vampires share with each other around the blood cooler after talking about last night’s episode of True Blood.
But the one thing that hasn’t changed about vampires since the dawn of Dracula is that once you’ve been bitten, you’re a changed person. We’re not just talking about a sudden thirst for blood or the ability to turn into a bat – we’re talking slicked hair, a pair of neat-o fangs, and a physique that fits into a size two coffin. Somehow, being a vampire is, let’s face it, a better version of you (minus the killing part). Bored with acne and teen peer pressure, you can be like Twilight’s Edward and score hot teen chicks for eternity with your twinkling skin and tousled hair. Or, you can be a blood-thristy vixen like the vamps of Vampire Killers, having orgies in hotel rooms before heading out for a bite.
If being a vampire makes one hotter, what would happen if you started with someone who was already hot? Check out the celebrities that we thought could use a little revamping, and some that could just use some vamping.
Vampire Killers, Charlotte Ross – Episode 1
1. Kristen Stewart
An obvious choice but a smart one nonetheless. Kristen already spends a lot of time with vampires, having starred in the Twilight series. It only makes sense for her to dive headfirst into her role, become a little more method and give up on day shoots. She’s got that sleepy, I-just-woke-up-from-a-night-of-something-terrible look to her, which is working for her right now, but imagine how versatile an actress she’d be if she had that pep in her step that only chugging blood can give you.
According to the latest poster for Burlesque, Cher has gone from drag-queen idol to blemish-free superhuman in a scant decade. She’s a beautiful woman, and always has been, but you have to admit, her “timeless” look is a little weird. She might make more sense to preserve that look by going vamp. All suspicions of Photoshop trickery would go out the window.
3. James Franco
A recent New York Magazine article detailed a few days in the life of James Franco. According to the article, Franco is doing roughly ten million things at once, and never sleeps, except in certain classes, which makes him either a very driven human being, or someone secretly harnessing the powers of a vampire and too afraid to come out of the coffin about it. If he’s just a regular old human being, becoming a vampire wouldn’t be that big of a leap for him – all he’d need to do is replace his Luna bar on the way to campus with a homeless guy in a back alley.
4. Katy Perry
Katy Perry is trying her damndest to catch up to Lady Gaga, but let’s be honest — it’s never going to happen. Gaga’s got all the weirds, all the moves, and that sideshow look. But Katy’s doing alright. She’s sold millions of albums and recently married high-profile British comedian Russell Brand. But she might up her sex appeal by joining the ranks of the ageless, who no doubt have agents far up on the music industry totem pole and can turn her vampiric, lesbian-loving tendencies into platinum records.
5. The Olsen Twins
Two words: double trouble. The only thing sexier than one pocket-sized vampire is two pocket-sized vampires! Getting bitten could be the eighteenth best thing to happen to the tragically-blessed super twins this year – somewhere between starting a fragrance line and having a breed of puppy named after them. They wouldn’t even have to change their nocturnal lifestyle, and they’d get the added bonus of giving those pouty lips some complimentary fangs to go with them.
6. Justin Timberlake
Since the day he premiered on the New Mickey Mouse Club, Justin Timberlake has been fighting the battle to be taken seriously. After selling a few million records and starring in a hit movie or two, it’s a battle one could say he’s won – but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t use an extra push or two. If Timberlake had the ability to turn into a bat, we’d have no recourse but to see him for the serious artist that he is. He’d be instantly sexier and would likely have an answer for what to do with that hair.
7. Lizzy Caplan
This actress is already intimately acquainted with the V-side of things after an unforgettable stint on True Blood as the oversexed girlfriend of Jason Stackhouse. The woman clearly has a deep love for vampires. She’s pretty much the perfect human being as is. So it only makes sense for her to get bit and saran-wrap her looks for eternal safekeeping. Improvement? Nah. You can’t improve on that.
Fergie already has the looks of some kind of non-human, albeit a very attractive non-human. So perhaps “the change” will give her that boost from weird hottie to just hottie. Of course, nothing about this is an exact science, so it’s possible getting bit would just send her over the edge and take her to full weirdo for all eternity. It’d certainly make avoiding the paparazzi easier.
9. Johnny Depp
One of the problems with people who turn into vampires is that they lose all sense of humility. It’s like the moment they become immortal they think the rules don’t apply to them. All of a sudden they think they can drink white wine with red meat and wear white capes after Labor Day. Johnny Depp has never had a problem with being humble, which, if it carried over into his time as a bloodsucker, might make him People Magazine’s Sexiest Vampire of the Year 2011.
10. Tina Fey
Without needing to sleep, Tina Fey could spend all night writing comedy. It’s what Tina Fey does best. And being funny is what makes Tina Fey sexier than your run-of-the-mill smart woman in glasses. If Tina never needed to sleep, and was chugging Type AB instead of Earl Grey, we’d get daily episodes of 30 Rock and more Sarah Palin riffs than Palin supplies herself.
11. Lindsay Lohan
Vampire Lindsay Lohan would be the type of vampire that stumbles out of her hearse at 5 in the morning, bleary-eyed, red-fanged and shouting something unintelligible at the guys from TMZ – her vampire no-no parts showing, running six deep with other bloodsuckers, maybe a lesbian, maybe not. And we’d love her for it because it’d be just another choice in a long line of weird, yet fun to watch, choices.
12. Daniel Craig
When Daniel Craig was cast as James Bond a few years back in Casino Royale, a lot of people wondered whether or not he could really pull it off. He did, and it’s because he was confident, and made James Bond his own, instead of trying to mimic what others had done before. He could pull the same kind of move for the Vampire Nation. Instead of playing by their rules, he would bring his own style, maybe by drinking blood out of a flask or biting people on the small of their back. I don’t know. All we know is, there’s nothing sexier than confidence.
13. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
They already have a house in New Orleans, where vamp writer Anne Rice lived and set many of her books. Perhaps they like jambalaya? Maybe it’s the gumbo? We’d like to think it’s the nocturnal, eerie, curiously vampire-like history of the place and its people. And if there’s anything on God’s green earth that could make the two sexiest human beings alive sexier, it’d be hot, bloody, messy, Vampire Sex.
Vampire Killers, The Feeding – Episode 2
Vampire Killers, Kat Trap – Episode 3
Chris Littler lives in Hollywood. He has a degree in Dramatic Writing from the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University, one of the most prestigious writing programs in America, which he totally plans to hang on the wall when he has a Study. Chris currently covers video games at UGO.com when he’s not performing improv at iO, and is currently writing a one-hour TV pilot with his friend Wes. Like everyone else you know, he has an album available to purchase on iTunes and has lots of things to say on his blog: chrislittler[dot]com.