15 Screwed Up Things [Film, TV and Online] Parents Have Done On Camera

Ah, parents. Sometimes they’re wise, sometimes they’re embarrassing, sometimes they’re thoughtful and sometimes they’re murderous. We aren’t all so lucky to be a Huxtable, a Keaton or a Walton. Some of us are Mansons, Kardashians and Simpsons (the animated kind). TV, film, and the Internet have introduced us to some of the most dysfunctional and cruel parents ever. Case in point, the parents of the teen heartthrobs on the KoldCast TV teen drama series Miss Behave, are always MIA – leaving their kids to learn life’s lessons the hard way. But frankly, nonexistent parents are better than ones that enjoy messing with your head, your social life and your right to live. To prove to you that your parents are probably not as bad as you think, we’ve combined a list of film, tv and online parents that have done some pretty screwed up things.

Miss Behave, Episode 1: Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire (Part 1)

1. Lucille Bluth (Arrested Development) – Guilty of constant verbal abuse

To call Lucille Bluth a good parent would be… well, a flat-out lie. This memorable character, played by Jessica Walter, is the drunken matriarch of the family on the hit TV series Arrested Development. She has an affair with her husband’s twin brother, adopts an Asian child she doesn’t care about and berates her kids as if it were a sport. Then again, she fits right in with the rest of this notoriously dysfunctional family.

2. Off-Camera Parents (Break) – Guilty of faking a knife wound

From the sounds of it, this faceless dad had been previously punched in the balls by one of his kids and was looking for a little payback. Luckily, his wife was more than happy to help out. With a steak knife and some ketchup, this dad faked a gruesome knife wound and forced his kids to watch as he moaned in agony. I think perhaps this family needs a visit from social services and a ban from posting family videos online.

3. Margaret White (Carrie) – Guilty of rampant Christian zealotry

It’s bad enough being Stephen King’s “Carrie” – the weird religious high-school girl with telekinesis. But having to deal with a mom who thinks that everything you do is sinful, now that’s really tough. Thinking her daughter might be the devil, this mom (played by Piper Laurie) tried to kill her several times – and occasionally locked her up in a closet/shrine for some “reflection.”

4. Jack Torrance (The Shining) – Guilty of attempted murder

Jack Nicholson is awesome as Jack Torrance in “The Shining,” but I’m sure as hell glad he isn’t my dad. The sole residents in a snowed-in resort, Jack and his family begin to feel a little lonely. Eventually, Jack goes mad and tries to kill his wife and kid. Actually, not just kill – slaughter, butcher and hack!

5. Peggy Bundy (Married with Children) – Guilty of verbal torture and neglect

Married with Children’s Peggy Bundy had a great rack and could use hair spray like a pro. But what fans really remember her for is the ultimate pleasure she got weekly as she tortured her husband and kids. With skin-tight pants and big hair, Peggy Bundy (played by Katey Segal) never missed an opportunity to take money from her husband or her kids to finance her every indulgence. Forget food in the fridge, mama needs a new pair of shoes!

6. Off-Camera Parents (2) (YouTube) – Guilty of feeding their kid chalk

Remember when your parents taught you to never take candy from strangers? Well, if you have these parents, you shouldn’t take anything from them either! These parents find immense pleasure in coaxing their kid into biting into, and savoring, a piece of chalk. They get their laughs before telling their kid what he’s really eaten.

7. The McCallisters (Home Alone) – Guilty of abandonment

What parent forgets one of their kids and gets on a plane for Christmas? Apparently, the McCallisters do! In a frantic race to make their holiday flights Kate and Peter McCallister, played by Catherine O’Hara and John Heard, forget their son is at home until they’re somewhere over the Atlantic. Thank goodness he’s resourceful and downright mischievous or else he’d probably be dead.

8. Jim’s Dad (American Pie) – Guilty of causing extreme embarrassment

If there is a moment when you don’t want your dad around, that’s when Jim’s dad (played by Eugene Levy) shows up. Awkward, inappropriate, uncool – this is what the dad from American Pie embodies. Whether you’re enjoying some porn in the comfort of your room or relaxing with a homemade pie, Jim’s dad will intuitively find a way to embarrass you on an epic scale.

9. Off-Camera Mom (YouTube) – Guilty of scaring the crap out of her kids

Some women have kids to fulfill the circle of life. Some women feel the need to continue the family name. Other women, like the one in this video, have kids for pure entertainment! This mom sits all her kids down and lies to them. The oldest is apparently smart enough (possibly because this has happened before) to know that something just isn’t right. Even still, mom coaxes her kids into watching the screen attentively only to scare the pants off them. If that wasn’t enough, she plays it back in slow motion so we can truly see the terror in their eyes.

10. Leland Palmer (Twin Peaks) – Guilty of murder, rape and demonic behavior

David Lynch’s haunting television show “Twin Peaks” urged viewers to solve the mystery of Laura Palmer’s death. By the time we get to the end of the series, we find out that Laura’s father, Leland, played by Ray Wise, was not only the killer, but was also possessed by a demon named BOB. If that wasn’t enough, BOB had raped Laura multiple times throughout her childhood. Now that’s must see TV.

11. Jack Malloy (Unhappily Ever After) – Guilty of letting his daughter date a stuffed animal

Jack Malloy, played by Geoff Pierson, was the schizophrenic, alcoholic father on TV’s “Unhappily Ever After.” Most of the time he could be found complaining about his life to a degenerate stuffed rabbit that lived in the basement. It was apparent that the only thing that he liked about his life was his daughter. But even that was questionable considering he allowed his fuzzy friend to date her.

12. Don Draper (Mad Men) – Guilty of forgetting to deliver birthday cake

Don Draper, TV’s naughty ad man played by Jon Hamm, is a flawed man. On the hit show, “Mad Men,” he lies, cheats, and lives a double life – covering up the past to ensure the present. He tries desperately to build the most perfect life for his wife and family; but, unfortunately, the lies became too many and his life began to fall apart. On his daughter’s birthday, for instance, he was asked to pick up his daughter’s cake. Very drunk and very depressed, he chooses to take a short nap in his car and doesn’t get home until after dark. That poor girl might have the most devilishly handsome dad on earth, but she’s going to need some therapy.

13. Off-Camera Parents (3) (YouTube) – Guilty of premeditated cruelty

By this time on the list, nothing seems to be a surprise. Here are two parents that stayed up with their kids watching a late night showing of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Knowing that their kids were already scared sh*tless – they slept in the same bed with the lights on – they planned an utterly cruel joke. Again… therapy.

14. Off-Camera Dad (4) (YouTube) – Guilty of making his son the saddest kid on Christmas

Imagine what you want most in the world. Now, imagine it’s Christmas. Now, imagine that your parents get you that very thing!!! Now, imagine it’s all a joke and they sit around and laugh at you as you cry.

15. Anthony Cooper (Lost) – Guilty of stealing a kidney and attempted murder

John Locke went through a lot on the hit TV show, “Lost.” But the worst moments in his life were, hands down, brought on by his own father, Anthony Cooper, played by Kevin Tighe. His deadbeat dad not only was nonexistent in his life, but when he did show up, he asked John for a kidney and then disappeared again. If that wasn’t enough, when John confronted him about it, he pushed him out a window. John doesn’t die, but he breaks his back. Come to think of it, Lost had A LOT of bad fathers, but we’ll save that for another list.

Miss Behave, Episode 2: Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire (Part 2)

Miss Behave, Episode 3: All the World’s A Stage (Part 1)

Watch more episodes of Miss Behave

Rebecca Leib received her BFA in Fine Art and MFA in writing and hails from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer. Her work can be seen in the pages of many print and online publications, including Beautiful/Decay, Artillery Magazine, Blackbook, Tvgasm, Metrowize and Dailyfill. She has performed at the Second City Studio Theatre, UCB-LA, IOWest and the improv, and can often be seen brooding at sidewalk cafes.