5 Surefire Signs That You’re a Zombie6

By Marti Resteghini

5 Surefire Signs That You’re a Zombie

Depending on how old you are, you may think of zombies as pale, listless beings who drag their feet and call out for “Brains!” Or, you may think of them as violent, animalistic humans with unusual speed and strength and no sense of fear or pain. However you think of them – both types of ZOMBIES WANT YOU DEAD. And, much like the vampire, there are tons of variations; but, still, you could point one out in a lineup… with total confidence (as long as you’re on the other side of the glass).

Time Magazine claims the world “zombi” was first introduced to the U.S., by book, in 1929’s the The Magic Island by W.B. Seabrook. Here, the zombie was a victim of black magic or voodoo. Not necessarily dead or undead, a zombie was under the control of someone with the power of mind control. Later, in 1932, Bela Lugosi starred in what we now consider the first zombie movie ever made, White Zombie. But it was H.G. Wells’ Things to Come that first presented an apocalyptic scenario and a “wandering sickness” that infected those who came in contact with it. However, the modern zombie story, as we know it, was born when George Romero took on the genre with 1968’s Night of the Living Dead – introducing terrifying, infectious, multiplying, dead zombies. According to movie critic Roger Ebert, kids in theaters were crying in their seats.

Now, 40 years after Romero introduced the Living Dead series, zombies have become more social commentary than scare tactic. In fact, the series spawned a whole new genre: the zombie comedy, or zom com. In most modern zombie flicks, how people got infected, and how you stop them, isn’t the priority; it’s all about staying alive – as in the series American Heart, a mockumentary about a group of people taking refuge in a hospital during a zombie apocalypse.

Whether you’re a fan of the Romero Zombie or the Zach Snyder/Dawn of the Dead Zombie, you will agree that there is a common list of “traits” most zombies share. And just in case you find yourself questioning your own state of undeadness, we’ve compiled a short checklist.

American Heart, Episode 1 – The Hospital

1. You’re dead.

If you have no pulse, but are undead enough to know that, then you have a couple of options.

• You could be a vampire. Go outside. Stand in direct sunlight. If it hurts, I mean really hurts, you’re a vampire. Go back inside, and go to sleep.
• You could be possessed. If this is the case, this is the end of your options. Good luck.
• You could be a zombie. If you wake up decomposing and driven by intense feelings of hunger and/or revenge, you’re a zombie. Stay away from your loved ones and only hang out with other zombies. Try becoming a vegetarian. Tofu has a similar consistency to grey matter. You might like it.

2. You’re hungry.

Hungry beyond belief? Are you willing to chew through your mom’s kankles in order to satiate your hunger? You are? You’re a zombie. If you’re lucky, things like raw meat still might do the trick. Unfortunately though, most zombies don’t have the willpower to avoid eating and killing others.

Word to the wise: stay away from non-zombies with weapons. They’re on to you. If you want to stay undead, then just eat easy targets, like people waiting for the bus or some lost tourists.

3. You’re angry.

If you’re normally an upstanding citizen, but today your rage is driving you to pummel Mrs. O’Leary from next door, you’re a zombie. Sadly, fierce anger is a side effect. You could be angry that Mrs. O’Leary won’t let you eat her brains. You could be angry that while you were “alive” some people were less than respectful. Whatever your beef with the living, just remember: no matter what you do, you can never be un-undead. From here, there is only dead. So act accordingly.

4. You’re not yourself.

If you’re noticing that you’re not as clean, loving or intelligent as you used to be, you might be a zombie. Some zombies eat and kill, 24/7. Some are reluctant to do what needs to be done. Some just live in the moment. But, regardless of your new outlook on life, you have to definitely embrace a new you. Reading books, going to concerts; none of that will be interesting anymore. In fact, you might notice that others don’t appreciate the changes in you! Inevitably, you’re going to have to make some decisions. Basically, either gnaw on your family to make them undead, too, or follow the hoards and leave home.

5. You survived an apocalypse.

When all else fails, and you’re not sure if you’re a zombie, look around you. Take in your surroundings. Has the world changed? Are people still going to work? Are there dead bodies in the street? Are there people eating those dead bodies? If you’ve noticed some severe differences, you might be in the middle of an apocalypse. And if so, you might be infected. So, just to be safe, lock yourself in a room with some deviled ham and Spam, and wait a couple of weeks before venturing out in the world – the last thing you want on your conscience is the knowledge that you helped kill one of the last survivors of the human race. If you don’t experience any of the above reactions, then you MIGHT be OK. Good luck with that.

American Heart, Episode 2 – Well, If The Guard Says It’s True

American Heart, Episode 3 – The World Wide Dead

Watch more episodes of zombie comedy American Heart

Marti Resteghini is VP of Network Programming and Acquisitions here at KoldCast TV. Formerly, as vice president of development and production at Warner Bros.-based production company, HDFilms, Resteghini oversaw the development, production and distribution of feature films, television and new media content across multiple platforms. In this post, Resteghini produced many high-profile Web series including “Chadam,” “Creepshow: Raw,” based on the 1980s cult classic feature film, and Crackle’s “The Jace Hall Show.”