15 Seemingly UnImportant, Yet Vital, Facts About Sex13
By Chris Littler
15 Seemingly UnImportant, Yet Vital, Facts About Sex
The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian Hindu text that gives practical advice on human intercourse. In it, there are over 1,250 verses in 36 chapters dealing solely with the practice of lovemaking. It’s considered to be near-perfect. In fact, the words are supposedly from Nandi, the sacred bull himself, who transcribed his awed utterances after hearing the bed-busting exploits of Shiva, the Supreme God, with his wife Parvati. Beyond talking about such things as acquiring a wife, or acquiring your neighbor’s wife, the book describes a whopping 64 types of sexual acts. That’s 60 more sexual acts than the average man is aware of!
Sex has changed a lot since a thousand years ago. Sure, the tools remain the same, but everything else is different – just ask the characters in the sex comedy Pillow Talks. Advances in medicine, changes in gender roles and an increase in general stress levels are but a few reasons why sex is just more complicated now. But regardless of these challenges, we carry on and do our best under the circumstances. You know, for the sake of mankind and stuff.
Pillow Talks – Donuts
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1. 56% of men have had sex at work.
Seems like a lot of guys get more business done in a day than is reflected on their time sheets. Whether or not the person they’re having sex with is their significant other or not, we don’t know, but we’re willing to guess that a good majority of these post-lunch break bathroom interludes are strictly between employees.
2. More women talk dirty during sex than men.
Talking dirty is an instrumental part of sex. Women are the more naturally talkative of the sexes already, so it makes sense they would be inclined to offer a few words in the midst of congress.
3. Sex is a natural antihistamine.
If sex is done right, you end up panting – catching your breath. Have you ever noticed how much easier this is after the act? That’s because sex clears out those sinuses better than Vicks. It really makes, “I’ve got a cold. Let’s have sex,” a much more reliable come-on.
4. Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 states.
And why shouldn’t it be? In this day and age, there’s really no place for the boner-less man. There are so many pills readily available to him, he’d be a fool to let his willy stay limp for too long.
5. Only 17% of women are likely to have an orgasm during sex.
Sounds about right, doesn’t it? But that doesn’t mean that women don’t enjoy it nonetheless. Men are all about getting to the finish line, women enjoy the race. They enjoy the finish line too, but they’re so used to running a few extra laps after the race is over that it’s no big deal if it doesn’t happen at the main event.
6. A man will ejaculate 18 quarts of semen in his life.
…and he’ll never get to see it all in one place. That’s like writing a novel one sentence at a time over your entire life and never getting to read it before you die. The important thing is that in all those quarts, there’s one sperm that might just make it to the egg, fertilize it, and makes a baby….even when you don’t want it to. Whoops! Leave your hat on boys.
7. On average, men reach orgasm in 2.5 minutes, while women take 12.
In our humble opinion, 2.5 minutes is just right. That’s exactly how long the commercial breaks are during new episodes of The Office. Coincidence? We think not. So let’s get out of these jeans, already!
8. The average erect penis size is 5 inches.
Most men aren’t packing a whole lot of heat. The average erect penis size is a hearty 5 inches, which is plenty enough to get the job done. Remember, it’s about the motion of the ocean (not the size of the boat).
9. Men with a good, active sex life are more likely to live past 80.
Of course they do! They have a reason to keep living! Not that having tons of sex all the time is the only reason to live, but it’s definitely in the top five. Not only is sex good for your brain (it alleviates stress), it’s good for your body too… but only if you’re actually moving during it. Are you listening, Charlene?
10. Cherry is the most popular flavor of edible underwear.
Do you think anyone in antiquity could have guessed that we’d one day have edible underwear? It’s probably better if they didn’t know it was possible. Shakespeare wouldn’t have finished anything. He would have been too busy eating panties.
11. Female orgasms can actually cure headaches.
A lot of people know this, but for some reason people at the office still look at me funny when I rub my temples and say, “Anyone have any female orgasms?”
12. There are approximately 100 million acts of sex a day.
… which means right now you’re probably within close proximity of one. It’s possible that two people on that jet that just flew overhead are joining the Mile High Club. Let’s face it; you can’t get away from sex. It’s gloriously everywhere.
13. A pig’s orgasm typically lasts 30 minutes.
… which is about as long as an episode of The Office (with commercial breaks). You see where we’re going with this?
14. You can burn 200 calories during 30 minutes of sex.
Let’s face it. Sex is the best way to spend an afternoon. Not only do you lose weight, but it clears your sinuses, relieves stress, and gets rid of that pesky headache. Maybe we’re speaking too soon, but we can’t think of a single reason why we shouldn’t be having sex once a day, every day. There’s literally no one in this world that wouldn’t benefit from that. Everyone, get to it.
15. 30% of women over the age of 80 still have sex with their spouses or boyfriends.
It’s a beautiful thing when an older person gets their rocks off. They deserve to experience carnal love, too, and all that. However, we strongly suspect this fact is missing the last three words: “…on their birthdays.” That, or my gram is hiding more than just full-support pantyhose under that muumuu.
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Chris Littler lives in Hollywood. He has a degree in Dramatic Writing from the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University, one of the most prestigious writing programs in America, which he totally plans to hang on the wall when he has a Study. Chris currently covers video games at UGO.com when he’s not performing improv at iO, and is currently writing a one-hour TV pilot with his friend Wes. Like everyone else you know, he has an album available to purchase on iTunes and has lots of things to say on his blog: chrislittler[dot]com.