10 Best Movies About Virginity5
By Chris Littler
10 Best Movies About Virginity
Anyone remember what life was like before sex? Yeah, we don’t either. HIGH FIVE! However, we have seen plenty of movies on the subject. We vaguely recall everyone else at school already having sex before us, but that might be something we’re stealing from a John Hughes movie. Also, there was something about our dad walking in on us repeatedly, but the odds of us not repressing that are infinitesimally small. That must have been a movie too.
Okay, so we stole everything we remember about being a virgin from movies. No big deal. That’s only because there are more movies about losing your virginity than there are pillows on a rich girl’s bed. The odds of us remembering anything without adding a bit of Jason Biggs or Ethan Embry drama are pretty small.
That said, this is all nonsense to you if you’re still a virgin. If the closest you ever got to bedding the love of your life was offering to calculate his or her sleep number, like the mattress store employees in The Virgin Mattress, then you might want to get back to photoshopping a good profile pic for that iCupid or MatchmakerHeaven website you’ve been contemplating joining.
In anticipation of your lustful tryst, here are some movies you might want to rent as research before your big date with Babylon5Betty69.
The Virgin Mattress – So I Married A Bed Retailer
1. The 40 Year Old Virgin
Is the idea of a 40-year-old virgin all that preposterous? We don’t think so. Then again, we spend a lot of time on the Internet, so our perception might be skewed. Regardless, we’re willing to bet that if you took a random sample of humanity, you’d find many a late bloomer. However, what we do find preposterous is the idea that a guy like Steven Carrell’s, Andy, is a virgin. Sure, he’s got a few habits that might be considered girl repellant, but he’s a good-looking guy with a nice personality. There’s no way he’d get out of his thirties without getting pummeled by a chick with a ticking biological clock.
2. Losin’ It
Losin’ It is generally considered an awful, awful film. But we think it crosses the line from horribleness into awesomeness right around the time Tom Cruise and his pals pick up the improbable Shelley Long on their way to Tijuana. The “It” in the title is exactly what you suspect it is, and yes, Tom Cruise and his pals are actually headed there to Tijuana to get ride of it. We fully support going to Tijuana to pick up cheap prescription drugs, or get horribly sick off tap water, but you can’t expect us to believe that anyone would go there to lose their virginity.
3. American Pie
The plot of American Pie centers around four high schoolers that resolve to lose their virginity by high school graduation. The reason they’re so set on making it happen is because the biggest nerd at their school tells them that he made love the night before. This bit of gloating sets in motion all sorts of wacky events – including a one-afternoon stand with the titular baked good on a kitchen counter. One thing that American Pie gets right is that feeling of getting left behind.
The gang lies and cheats their way into making it happen, only to have their own lies blow up in their faces. This is a society where we stifle frank talk about sex to the point that our kids don’t really know down from up, and the consequences of it are just as disgusting as they are hilarious.
4. Stealing Beauty
Not a lot of people have seen Stealing Beauty, despite it having been directed by genius Italian director Bernardo Bertolucci. In summary, it’s about a young American girl named Lucy Harmon who moves to a villa in Tuscany after her mother’s suicide. She decides, in the meanwhile, to lose her virginity – which attracts the interest of all the men living nearby. Oh, and she’s also trying to find out her father’s identity. Here’s hoping she doesn’t figure out both in the same night.
Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen allegedly started writing Superbad when they were thirteen. This makes a ton of sense if you’ve seen the film, which truthfully depicts high school from the point of view of someone who hasn’t even been there yet. Luckily for Evan and Seth (and producer Judd Apatow), the same immature humor that makes one really popular in junior high can make you a billion and a half dollars in Hollywood. It made an unlikely star out of Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who plays Fogell, a virgin nerd with the worst fake ID in the history of fake IDs. Luckily, Fogell’s gambit pays off.
6. Can’t Hardly Wait
Can’t Hardly Wait is widely considered one of the best teen comedies of the nineties. That’s really saying something, as the nineties was a golden age for teen comedies. Its popularity is warranted in our eyes. How can you hate a movie that takes place at a giant rager?
The most unforgettable relationship, in a film packed full of them, is between Seth Green and Lauren Ambrose. The two former friends become locked in the bathroom as Freddy prepares himself to get laid for the first time. As the night progresses, the two become reacquainted with one another in the most intimate way possible. Its truthful storytelling told eloquently and a nice diversion from the action-packed teenage antics going on beyond the bathroom door.
7. The Girl Next Door
Isn’t it every young man’s dream that his sexy next-door neighbor is a former porn star? That’s what the people behind The Girl Next Door were banking on when they green lit this 2004 teen comedy. The idea is great and the cast is fantastic, but the film runs into some serious turbulence by offering us with one of the most implausible protagonists ever put on screen: a stuffy virginal honors student named Matthew who somehow has the willpower (or is it moral fortitude?) to turn down an unbearable sexy Elisha Cuthbert when she throws herself at him. How are we supposed to take this guy seriously if he can’t even have sex with an all-to-willing Elisha Cuthbert? Sure, we get that he doesn’t want her to degrade herself, but that seems like something a young guy would figure out after the fact. Still, the film deserves a place on the list because of its original concept and highly sentimentalized definition of the differences between sex and, you know, making love.
The kids in Kids have two goals in life: get stoned and have sex with virgins. Larry Clark’s frank, unflinching looks at a group of extremely unlikeable teenagers living in New York in the nineties offers a grim outlook on the future of our country. If there really are people out there like this – and we have no reason to believe that there aren’t – then we’re really in trouble. Add a life-threatening disease to the mix, and it’s hard not to mourn for lost youth.
9. Cruel Intentions
Cruel Intentions is adapted from the book Les Liasons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos. The plot remains the same – a manipulative aristocrat takes a virginal girl under her wing to take revenge on a former lover – with the French backdrop replaced by modern day America. Most people have only seen select scenes from the film (there’s a notoriously sexy lesbian kiss between Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar), which is a shame, because it’s one of the most entertaining movies from the nineties. It’s unapologetically corrupting and delightfully sleazy, which fits the material perfectly. Reese Witherspoon gives a winning performance as Annette, a woman who has publicly announced, via manifesto, that she will not lose her virginity until she’s fallen in love.
Porky’s is American Pie, if American Pie were shot back in 1982 and was about kids in the 1950’s. The Porky’s in the title is a reference to a bar on the fringe of town where, for the right price, the owner will provide a prostitute for whatever you please. This begs the question: why would anyone trust someone with a name like Porky? Next to Demento or Falstaff, it’s probably the least trustworthy name a person could have. Porky takes the money and dumps the teenagers in the swamp, setting a madcap adventure in motion and paving the way for such classics as Porky’s 2: The Next Day and Porky’s Revenge!
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Chris Littler lives in Hollywood. He has a degree in Dramatic Writing from the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University, one of the most prestigious writing programs in America, which he totally plans to hang on the wall when he has a Study. Chris currently covers video games at UGO.com when he’s not performing improv at iO, and is currently writing a one-hour TV pilot with his friend Wes. Like everyone else you know, he has an album available to purchase on iTunes and has lots of things to say on his blog: chrislittler[dot]com.