10 Reasons Why Ninjas Pwn Pirates8

By Aydrea Walden

10 Reasons Why Ninjas Pwn Pirates

When students read textbooks centuries from now, they will get a glimpse of the issues that our nation struggles with today. Some of these debates will no doubt make them as weary: health care, education reform, immigration regulation. But some issues will make them weep and pray for happier times. They will choose sides, pick up where we left off and continue fighting until the answer to one massive epic question is clear. Who’s more awesome: Ninjas or Pirates?

Ninjas pwn pirates, naturally. There are those who say otherwise, but it’s only a matter of time before the evidence is made clear once and for all. This is but a handful of the evidence as to why Ninjas pwn Pirates.

10. Ninjas made Batman.

It wasn’t some dude in a frilly shirt and wet boots that helped young Bruce Wayne learn to channel his anger toward justice. It was Raz Al Goul, the leader of The League of Shadows. What were those shadows made of? Ninjas. They turned straight-laced Bruce Wayne into awesome. Can you imagine if a pirate acted as a father-figure to someone destined to be a superhero? What would that guy’s power be? The ability to don a cape while wearing a peg leg while managing a parrot on your shoulder? Bruce is shedding baby bat tears because you even considered the fact that pirates were cooler than ninjas.

9. Ninjas are humble (if ruthless) servants, not ostentatious a-holes.

Ninjas show up to do a job, then leave. They don’t wreck towns and villages. They don’t bother anyone (unless you’re on their hit list). They get in and get out without all the blah blah yarr! Who doesn’t appreciate that kind of service, discreteness and efficiency!?

8. There might be one right next to you and you’d never know. That’s creepy…. and cool.

Don’t talk crap about ninjas because they might just snap your neck before you can finish saying something insane like “pirates pwn nin—.” See, I didn’t even finish because right now, a ninja could be watching me. That kind of stealth is generally reserved for shady military arms deals, but ninjas have it in them. Pirates make a big scene wherever they go. It’s impossible to sneak up on someone when you’re driving an ocean liner and dressed like a clown. Seriously guys. Get a clue.

7. Ninjas have good teeth, don’t smell like the rotten fish, have all of their limbs, and are sober sometimes.

While a life at sea sounds kind of adventurous and/or romantic, it’s hard on the body. Because ninjas reside on the land, they can do things like keep up with regular dental appointments, take showers and get help for their alcoholism. And while I’m sure a pirate can get creative with where exactly to peg his leg, ninjas just have two regular feet that they can use to walk away from the amputee they’ve left behind on the ship.

6. Ninjas Don’t Sing.

I love musicals just as much as the next geeky band girl. But let’s be honest, a bunch of dudes singing in unison is only really okay when The Jersey Boys are behind it. The image of a bunch of fellas on a boat singing songs in 6/8 time is just not hot.

5. Ninjas Don’t Rape or Pillage.

Both of those things are crimes and, while pirates revel in them, Ninjas proudly uphold the law… by killing those who ignore it.

4. “Pirating” is bad. Doing some “Ninjitsu” is badass.

Tell someone that you’re going to spend the weekend pirating some videos or music. If they have the authority, they will arrest or fine you. Tell that same person that you are spending the weekend doing some ninjitsu, and they will tip their hat to you with the utmost respect. Businesses spend millions of dollars to stop pirates. But they don’t spend any money to protect against people practicing the ancient art of ninjitsu. They respect it too much and realize that we need practitioners to uphold it.

3. Pirates have a silly lexicon. Ninjas don’t have to say a word.

When part of your intimidation technique is to slur your words together and do your worst Michael Caine impression, you’re probably doing something wrong. Ninjas are silent and deadly. They don’t have to posture because they’re effective and have no need to distract you with theatrics.

2. Basic black is always in style.

At what point in history were striped socks, suspenders and huge hats popular at the same time? Pirates dress like woefully misguided hipsters and the whole mismatched-to-be-avant-garde thing doesn’t work for hipsters either. Ninjas blend in to their surroundings, so they either wear contemporary clothing or really badass black wraps.

1. It wasn’t Teenage Mutant Pirate Turtles.

When Splinter was raising up an army of amphibious mercenaries, he had a choice. They were already used to the water. He could have made them pirates, but he didn’t. He turned them into ninjas, because he had stuff to get done, and he wanted it done right.

DISAGREE? YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS: 10 REASONS WHY PIRATES PWN NINJAS

Aydrea Walden ten Bosch, a former news reporter, has also written for Nickelodeon, NBC/Universal, Hawaii Film Partners, Highlander Films, the Now Write! Screenwriting book series, Improv Olympic, The Second City Los Angeles and Disney. She regularly performs sketch and improv comedy and runs the satirical blog, The Oreo Experience, about her life and times as a super white black person.