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10 Reasons Why Pirates Pwn Ninja2

By Dan Berry

10 Reasons Why Pirates Pwn Ninjas

Over the course of the last decade, a debate has raged that threatens to divide society in a way even contrasting political ideologies never could. It’s an argument so intense it makes the battle over abortion look like a discussion about which Dick (York or Sargent) was a better Darrin on Bewitched. This hot-button issue has caused so much controversy, in fact, that Bill Clinton has even volunteered to serve as mediator between the two warring parties. But since Bill tends to get distracted, I have decided to step in and put an end to the delirious debate: Pirates Vs. Ninjas!

Now, if I were to ask the protagonist of the awesomely outrageous series The Immoral Dr. Dicqer – a former pirate turned family man and back-alley gynecologist – I’m certain he wouldn’t hesitate to proclaim that Ninjas couldn’t hold a candle to the savage swashbucklers of the high seas. And you know what? I am in total agreement. That’s right. Pirates pwn ninjas.

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10. Ninjas Wear Pajamas With Feet

Okay, I know what some of you are going to say. You’re going to get up on your high horse and quote Walter from The Big Lebowski when he rants about the Viet Cong (the men in the black pajamas) being a “worthy adversary.” And while that might be true, the only reason they were wearing pajamas was because they couldn’t afford decent camouflage. And furthermore, at least Charlie wore sandals. I mean, yeah, sure, pajamas with feet are sweet… when you’re 3 and still peeing in them!

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9. Pirates Rape And Pillage (and thanks to them, so do I)

As a comedian, I truly despise telling people what I do for a living. Case in point: Let’s say I’m out at a bar, and I meet some girl and we get to talking. Inevitably, she will always get around to asking, “So, what do you do?”

“I’m a comedian.”

“Really! That’s so cool. Tell me a joke!”

Tell me a joke? Cut me some slack. Just because you’re an accountant doesn’t mean I’m going to demand you do my taxes over casual conversation. It’s incredibly annoying and used to happen to me on a daily basis—that is until I started lying about my career. Now, whenever some chick asks me what I do for a living, I say I’m a pirate. As you would expect, the initial response to this declaration is consistently one of complete confusion.

“Uh, wait, did you just say you’re a pirate?”

“Yes. Yes I am.”

“Uh, okay, and what exactly does that entail?”

“I rape and pillage.”

At this point, a brief instant ensues where the girl looks at me like I’m some raving lunatic; but her fear quickly turns to amusement as she starts laughing at my ridiculous response. Oh yeah, ice officially broken. And then it really is time to rape and pillage (consensually, of course). Thanks, pirates!

8. Pirate Jokes And Yarrrr Speak

Although not easy to make fun of, pirates are easy to joke about. For example:

Q: What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A: A sunken chest with no booty!

There are entire websites dedicated to pirate jokes. And don’t forget about the international phenomenon “Talk Like a Pirate Day” (don’t miss it on September 19th!).

As far as I know, ninjas try their best to be as silent as possible. And how much fun can that be? This is an example of a ninja joke.


Yeah. I didn’t laugh either. Ninjas don’t have a sense of humor. Except for Raphael and his band of Turtle friends. Those guys were awesome!

7. Pirate Posses

As abrasive as pirates can be to, say, a treasure laden Spanish galleon, they are a pretty loving bunch when it comes to their fellow pirates and the occasional pirate wench. The truth is that these guys had boats not much bigger than a NYC apartment. And cramped conditions aside, they also had to man ships, strategize hostile marine takeovers, and live relatively harmoniously with each other for months on end. If pirates can survive that, and then still want to do it again, they’re probably pretty friendly fellows who would be fun to be around.

6. Pirate Wenches

Pirate wenches are a rare breed, regardless of what Halloween stores would have you believe. But they do exist. Oh yes they do. These busty babes like grog, salt air, and the man of the sea. They’re tough cookies who melt pirate-y hearts with their sexy independence and brute strength.

Conversely, do ninjas even have over-sexed women counterparts? Do ninjas even have sex, what with the focus on craft and quietness? I guess it’s a possibility that some ninjas are women, but given their lackluster, androgynous outfits nobody cares anyway.

5. The Jolly Roger

The Jolly Roger, the international pirate logo, is the skull and crossbones. What could be cooler than having your own unique flag? I mean, let’s say you’re from New Zealand, and you’re sick of the New Zealand flag because you think it looks too much like Australia’s. Well, simply become a pirate and have a claim to the coolest flag in the universe.

Do ninjas have a flag? Of course not. Then you’d know where they live.

4. Pirates Are Free

Being a pirate is about being free. You’re never tied down. You don’t have commitments. The ocean is your playground, and the world is your oyster. You can loot and plunder if you wish, or you could simply lie in your hammock with a hangover all day. The choice is yours.

Ninjas, on the other hand, are slaves to their organization. You may even be required to give your own life if caught or compromised. And as many movies and video games have taught us, attempting to leave a ninja organization is never a good idea. Just ask Bill.

3. Pirates Have Awesome Accessories

Pirate accessories are beyond badass. Check out all the neat things pirates are fully allowed to own and wear while still looking unbelievably manly: goatees, eye-patches, beads in their hair, scarves, eyeliner, hoop earrings, hip-slung musket belts, feathers in their caps, capes (preferably billowing), and, of course, a wooden stick instead of a leg. In addition, they get parrots on their shoulders, which are friendly companions and their wings provide for a yummy afternoon snack (these dudes are super-resourceful).

I could go on, but I don’t want the ninjas to get really jealous and start to cry on their only semi-cool accessory: the throwing star. It might get rusty from their ninja tears.

2. Badass Pirate Names

Blackbeard, Calico Jack, Captain Morgan, Barbarossa, Black Bart, Captain Kidd—the list goes on and on. Pirates have names that evoke outright terror. Their names were so badass and infamous that they served literally as a weapon of war.

Ninjas, on the other hand, don’t have names. It’s downright confounding. What if you run into a ninja while out at a bar? How can you tell if you know him? What do you even call him? I guess it’s like when you bump into someone whose name you forget. You just pull the old: “Heeeeey… you!”

1. Muppet Treasure Island

Not only do ninjas not have names, they don’t have a Muppet movie made in their honor.

Even the Muppets picked sides. The Muppets know cool. They even managed to get Luke Skywalker on their show. Have the Muppets made a movie about ninjas? Of course not. Ninjas simply aren’t cool enough. Instead, they get Beverly Hills Ninja.

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Dan Berry began writing and performing stand-up comedy while skipping class and drinking heavily at New York University. An inexplicably instant success, he has since appeared in clubs and on college campuses nationwide and is frequently featured on radio and television. Aside from creating the humor site “Jotter of a Rotter” and the internationally acclaimed website “The Prison Kite,” Dan has also lent his warped writing skills to a pair of failed pilots for FX and NBC, as well as to several current network shows that are somehow proving successful in spite of his crazed contributions.

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Must Reads 9/2/2014