10 Toys That Make An Adult Feel Like A Kid Again10
By Dan Berry
But I Don’t Want To Grow Up: 10 Toys That Make An Adult Feel Like A Kid Again
“Age is just a number.” That’s usually something you hear spilling from the mouth of a cougar, a pederast or possibly Charlie Sheen. But that doesn’t mean it’s true. Just because some of us aren’t kids anymore doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with feeling young and having some fun. I mean, sure, failing to act one’s age can have consequences – as hilariously illustrated in the series Man-Teen – but that’s no reason to don white gabardine pants and a yachting cap and retire to Boca. Balance is the key. Work hard; play hard. And to play hard requires the right equipment. That’s right, I’m talking about toys—those timeless treasures designed specifically to delight. Toys (and not just the ones you find in shady shops with lots of X’s in their names) are not just for the young; they’re for the young at heart. So, read on and recapture the joys of childhood.
1. R/C Helicopters
Unless you’re a soldier sitting in some U.S. military command center controlling a drone that remotely drops bombs on bomb makers, then this here is as good as it gets. And trust me; it’s still pretty darn sweet. Remote-controlled toy helicopters have come a long way in the last couple decades. No longer does it take a loan from the bank to buy a toy helicopter that barely fits in a real helicopter. Today you can shell out 30 bucks for a whirlybird no bigger than a baseball. Not to mention, it no longer requires an actual pilot’s license to fly the mini-copters. Yes, even you can learn to fly like Airwolf. So, bring on the fun!
2. Old-School Atari Game Console
Okay, now I realize I’m about to sound like a geriatric grandparent here, but video games have gotten way too complicated. It takes a graduate degree and the reflexes of an Olympic athlete on meth to play them these days. And when you’re not busy pushing more buttons than an annoying younger sibling, you’re on your feet, sweating like a slave building the Pyramids, playing some motion-captured crap that is, well, better in real life. So, why not slow it down a bit and enjoy the simplistic old-school shenanigans of the original Atari Game Console. Far-out 3D graphics are no match for a heaping dose of good time nostalgia.
3. Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots
If even an Atari is too much for you to handle, then get ready to kick it real old-school-style with one of the most classic toys of all time—Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots! Aside from actually stepping foot in a ring and punching your best friend in the face, this is the pinnacle of ultra-gratifying pugilistic pleasure. Plus, you don’t have to worry about succumbing to “Joe Frazier-itis” (that’s how the great Smokin’ Joe once infamously referred to a certain famous former opponent’s tragic current condition).
4. Jet Skis
Jet Skis have no age requirements (although I’m pretty sure infants and toddlers aren’t permitted to man the throttle). The’re fun for kids and just as much fun for adults. Furthermore, jet skis abide by no socioeconomic class structure. They’re just as popular with the rich and famous (think Richard Branson), as they are with the poor and redneck (think Kenny Powers – “Yeah, I’ve actually had multiple orgasms on jet skis.”).
5. Finger Drums
The oldest drums discovered (so far) date back to around 6000BC. Needless to say, it’s clear that humans, regardless of age, enjoy hitting things to make music. Humans also just like hitting things – plain and simple. So, stop hitting your computer screen, coffee mugs and telephone with pens, and start tapping a real rockin’ beat on a Finger Drums drum set that features five touch sensitive percussive instruments—three smaller drums (snare and two toms), bass drum (with working pedal), and crash cymbal. Just hit them with your fingers to get the beat a-bumpin’. You’ll also get a mini light show, as each drum (and cymbal) lights up on impact. And the super cool thing is the record feature. Got a good riff going? Then record it and play it back until your ears bleed.
6. Mr. Beer
As a kid we all loved to make things—forts, tents, mud pies, birthday presents, etc. But why should unabashed imagination become diminished by the drudgery of adulthood? Why not get those creative juices flowing again while creating a concoction no adult can deny—beer! That’s right. Brew your own beer and not only will you feel like a kid again, but I guarantee you’ll behave like one, too.
7. Nerf Vulcan
Fully automatic, three darts per second, removable tripod, and belt-fed dart chain. This is the Nerf gun you dreamed about when you were a kid. And while it wasn’t available then, it is now. So, lock and load; it’s time to unleash the soft, plush pain. Bring one into the office and let’s just say your boss will have far fewer requests… and you won’t get arrested for “going postal.”
8. Super Soaker
If Nerf’s version of the gun from Predator doesn’t get you going because it doesn’t leave a lasting mark, then reach for a Super Soaker. The first of these next-generation water guns was a simple pump-action pistol released in 1991; but today there are dozens of Super Soakers, some so big and powerful they could be used in place of fire hoses for crowd control. Every kid has one of these high-powered water pistols nowadays, so why not even the playing field and fight back with one of your own? That’ll teach those spoiled little snots to stop leaving flaming bags of poop on your doorstep for sure.
9. Koosh Ball
As I mentioned before, simplicity is often the key to a toy’s success. Really nothing more than a bunch of rubber filaments radiating from a soft core, these balls first hit the shelves in the late 1980s. However, their popularity continued in the 1990s, and gave every kid a nice item to chuck at their little sibling without getting in trouble. So, why not try it out on a nagging wife? It’s not abuse if you don’t leave a mark – isn’t that something Ike Turner once said? Regardless, I dare any adult to pick up a Koosh and resist the urge to squeeze it and stretch it and play with it for hours. Clearly, Koosh sprinkles their addictive toy balls with some sort of catnip for humans.
10. EyeClops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles
Any adult who grew up playing with G.I. Joes, or who spent endless hours running around pretending they were a spy, or who was deeply disturbed and longed to be like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, will literally lose their mind the second a set of EyeClops are strapped to their head. I mean, c’mon, these are night vision infrared stealth goggles we’re talking about here. Need anything more be said? I think not!
Dan Berry began writing and performing stand-up comedy while drinking heavily and skipping class at New York University. He has since appeared in clubs and on college campuses nationwide, and is frequently featured on radio and television. Aside from creating and managing the humor site “Jotter of a Rotter” and the internationally acclaimed website “The Prison Kite” (jotterofarotter [dot] com and theprisonkite [dot] com), Dan has also lent his warped writing skills to a pair of failed network pilots, as well as to several current network shows that are somehow proving successful in spite of his crazed contributions.