10 Ways the World Would be Different Without Women4
By Chris Littler
10 Ways the World Would be Different Without Women
Imagine waking up one morning and all the women are gone. They’re not lying dead in the streets or anything, they’ve just disappeared, gone without a trace. Hair dryers still running in the bathroom. Half-eaten bags of skittles at Target. Sex in the City box sets strewn about on the couch. It’d be like if Rapture happened, but God had only chosen the feminine half of his lambs, as if to make up for the horrible biology of child-rearing. Your landlady, gone. Your girlfriend, departed. Katie Holmes, blissfully free from Tom Cruise’s clutches. Pinch yourself all you want pal, you’re living in a world without women. Better get used to it.
Sound awful? It’s even worse when you consider what you’re left with: a world entirely populated with dudes. And not just dudes, but dudes all dealing with a deadly case of blue balls. There’s not enough weed and copies of Planet Earth to distract from the misery of losing the very thing mankind was placed on earth to do – antagonize women. That’s the situation Jer and Looie wake up to in the web series World Without Women. They’re a couple of dudes trying to figure out a way to bring women back and save humanity from the brink of extinction – but get sidetracked in the meantime.
What would life be like for men in a world without women? Would we collapse as a civilization and die out as a species? Would we gorge ourselves with chicken wings and beer? Would we ever get off the couch?
Here’s what the world would be like if Eve bowed out and left Adam to his own devices.
World Without Women – C-String
1. We’d All Be Gay
This goes without saying. All one has to do is look at our prison system to see that men who go for prolonged periods of time without women turn to other men for companionship. Is it even considered gay? We see it more as getting done what needs to get done. And getting it done at least once a week.* Without women in the world, notions of sexuality will get tossed out the window, allowing us to finally focus on people as people, instead of people as gender. We can imagine that a good chunk of men will find themselves engaging in relationships a thousand times more rewarding than any they had before the de-womaning and will celebrate the extinction of woman right up until they need to find a good manicurist on the cheap.
2. We’d Have to Bioengineer New People
Women incubate our babies. Sure, they do a lot more stuff than that, but the incubating thing is most important. Without a womb in sight, mankind is going to have to get pretty crafty if we want to keep the whole existence thing in check. Do we have the technology to grow a child in a vial? Not yet, but you can be damn sure that our best and brightest will be working tirelessly to make that happen within the first ten years. Once they’ve accomplished that, they can then work on creating a woman-like cyborg to fill the void in our lives. Once they’ve accomplished that, they can spend the next two-hundred years denying them the right to vote.
3. Mike’s Hard Lemonade Would Go Out of Business
There’s just no place in the world for a sugary sweet alcoholic drink in a world without women. The only reason they existed in the first place was so that women had something to drink so they’d be drunk enough to make mistakes with men. Without women, men will subsist purely on a diet of the hard “knock-you-on-your-ass” brands of alcohol. If it doesn’t lend itself to immediate drunkenness and blackouts, it doesn’t belong in your mouth. So let’s reinstate the poison that we once called Four Loko and be merry and possibly dead!
4. Art Would Be Dead
There are a lot of good reasons to make art, but we’re pretty sure that impressing the opposite sex is – and always has been – the primary reason that anyone has ever picked up a paintbrush. Greg Kinnear wasn’t fooling when he told Helen Hunt that she was the reason cavemen painted on walls. Since the dawn of time, men have been practicing their craft based on the inspiration they got from being around women, the more beautiful sex. The way that women are built showcase a beauty and elegance rarely found in nature, and without it, the world is doomed to be a cold, artless place.
5. We’d be a Lot Safer on the Road
Once all the disappeared womens’ cars have been towed away and the streets cleared of small dogs and handbags, the roads will be a surprisingly safer place to drive. Not only will a little over half the world’s population be gone – which makes for less congestion and less pollution – but we’ll be missing the half that regularly drives while texting and applying makeup and inserting the new Girl Talk album. We’re not saying that women are worse drivers than men, just a little more distracted. Of course, it’s entirely possible that once they’re out of the picture, the world will devolve into a Mad Max-style battle royale for control over city blocks, soda machines, ammunition depots, and a few less fender benders will be the least of our problems.
6. No More Lillith Fair And the Like
Anything that derives most of its profit or participation from women would immediately go the way of the dinosaur. This includes a healthy amount of craft festivals, any location that normally has what can only be labeled a “braiding station,” renaissance festivals, pottery classes, yoga studios, stores that sell top-quality cooking supplies, most if not all gyms, and websites that bitch about celebrities. Oh, and fashion would be another one of those things that we’d have a hard time explaining to our motherless children. That being said, theatres dedicated to screening chick flicks would pop up all over the place. We can only imagine that lonely men who miss their wives will attend the afternoon showing of Fool’s Gold with the proxy they’ve built out of pillowcases and old mardi gras masks. Stop hogging the popcorn, pillow wife! Oh never mind, I can’t stay mad at you.
7. Texting Will Go Down Considerably
Everyone texts, but we think it’s a safe bet that a solid 80 percent of texts are between women. They’re just the more communicative sex, so it only makes sense that they communicate more, regardless of the format. If telegrams were the hottest new way of getting in touch, we’d be saying the same thing about that. In a world sans womenkind, the sight of a man walking down the street with his head buried in a text will be rare. Not just because he’s a man, but because he needs to keep his wits about him if he doesn’t want to get jumped by the lizard people. Oh yeah, that’s right, we forgot to mention them. It’s too complicated to go into right now, but just trust us that there’s a causal connection between women disappearing and the re-emergence of an ancient race of lizard people. You wouldn’t understand anyway.
8. Plastic Surgeons Would Go Out of Business
This might be one of the only good things to come out of women disappearing. The culture of unhealthy appearances would collapse in on itself, and all those vultures who prey on women with complexes would have to pack up their eyelid tubes and fat hoses and go back to medical school for a real degree. Of course, this doesn’t count real plastic surgeons, who can continue practicing their trade on the men whose faces have been horribly disfigured in a knife fight over a six-pack of Dr. Pepper, which we’re pretty sure will happen a lot.
9. Comic Book Stores on Every Corner
Without women around to judge them, men can finally shamelessly indulge in the things that their girlfriends or wives frowned upon. Every man, at some point, has owned a comic book. Some have continued to feed this dark habit at annual comic book conventions – disregarding the social repercussions it may have. Others have chosen to leave it behind and occasionally stare longingly at their copies of Spiderman and The Watchmen. We all wish we could be free of judgment and embrace our love of heroes.
The same can be said for Fantasy Football, which will become nothing short of a national past time, unless of course, football becomes extremely unpopular sans cheerleaders. In fact, most sports might end up being fruitless enterprises, seeing as how watching men smash into each other loses its novelty when men are strangling each other to death on the streets every day.
10. Men Would Be Smarter
Men spend a ridiculous amount of energy in the pursuit of getting laid. Without women to rebuff their advances and send them back to the drawing board, men will have a lot of time on their hands. Time that can be used to read, or learn an instrument, or another language. With a huge cavern in their brain recently unoccupied by all the women of the world, the skies the limit for mankind. Would science propel itself forward faster than any time in recorded history, or would we say screw it and nuke ourselves into oblivion? Our hope is for the former, but our gut goes with the latter.
*What do you mean, that’s not enough? Cut us some slack. A sh-tload of women just disappeared. We’re depressed.
World Without Women – WTF
World Without Women – Blue Boobs
Chris Littler lives in Hollywood. He has a degree in Dramatic Writing from the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University, one of the most prestigious writing programs in America, which he totally plans to hang on the wall when he has a Study. Chris currently covers video games at UGO.com when he’s not performing improv at iO, and is currently writing a one-hour TV pilot with his friend Wes. Like everyone else you know, he has an album available to purchase on iTunes and has lots of things to say on his blog: chrislittler[dot]com.