10 Ways To Stop Godzilla And The Impending Mutant Monster…2
By Dan Berry
10 Ways To Stop Godzilla And The Impending Mutant Monster Apocalypse
Everywhere you look these days it’s zombies this and zombies that. We are obsessed with some sort of Zombie Apocalypse that will inevitably bring humankind to its knees. Films like 28 Days and series’ like American Heart give us a glimpse of what we might face if there should come such a day – it’s not good. But the fact is – we are fools. We are all guilty of overlooking the glaringly obvious enemy of life as we know it – Godzilla and the Mutant Monsters!
Now, don’t get me wrong. In no way am I making light of the horrific events still unfolding in Japan. I am merely thinking ahead. I am simply being prepared. In the wake of the nuclear fallout in Japan, we must face the fact that a Godzilla Apocalypse is now far more likely than a Zombie Apocalypse. In fact, it’s inevitable. It won’t be long before millions of people are running wild in the streets screaming while “Gojira” (that’s the G-man’s Japanese name) and his fellow radioactive creatures, including Anguirus, Hedorah, Mothra, King Ghidora, Megaguirus and Biollante wreak havoc on cities across the globe.
It is for this fatally unfortunate reason that we must be prepared. Here are some suggestions on how to save the day.
American Heart – The Hospital
1. Nuke The Bastard
What can we do if Godzilla attacks? The first and most obvious option is to fight fire with fire: nail it with the same atomic energy that spawned the beast. That’s right. Nuke the thing. A 150-kiloton warhead would almost certainly do the job, though it’s a pretty desperate measure. Remember what happened to Houston in Independence Day – yeah, not a pretty sight.
2. The Kinetic LOSAT Missile
Officially known as the MGM-166 Line Of Sight Anti-Tank missile, this weapon delivers a kinetic punch about five times more powerful than a tank round. Equally importantly, it is mounted on a Hummer, so it’s both air-portable by helicopter and fairly easy to drive around the streets of a crowded city. Keep in mind, however, that deploying heavy tanks in midtown Manhattan in a hurry would prove one hell of a headache.
3. Yes, You Can Put Your Mind At Ease… In The Navy
If nuclear weapons are not an option, and LOSAT proves a loser, how will the military be able to protect us? Well, folks… it looks pretty bleak. The Army and Air Force do not have many weapons that would plausibly work against a 100,000-ton monster. Keep in mind that most military weapons are designed to kill or destroy humans, vehicles, or buildings… and they don’t even do that very well. A monster taller than the Sears Tower is a problem many magnitudes more troubling. But unlike the Army and Air Force, the Navy has been in the business of dealing with this type of threat for a century, and the type of missile designed to hone in on and destroy steel-clad warships is well suited to monster mashing. So it’s possible the Navy could take the beastie out before it ever gets to land.
4. Get Godzilla A Girlfriend
Find Godzilla a massive mutant girlfriend, and the guy will have no time for rampaging. Plus, he’ll be happy… at first. Therein lies the beauty of this monstermatch[dot]com – if all goes as planned, the two creatures will tie the knot, and the wife get him to stop rampaging with his friends and stay home.
Where other creatures failed, there was one who stood its ground – Kittierah. Godzilla had his hands full with this mighty kitten and its furry fists of fury. It is important to note that cats are the most predatory animals; but to ensure that Kittierah doesn’t falter and finishes the job, a team of scientists is going to get the gigantic feline hopped up on enough catnip to kill a pride of cougars. With Kittierah on the lose, it is a guarantee that Godzilla will go down for the count.
6. Dick Cheney And A Giant Can Of Super Badass Bug Spray
Breaking news: Mothra attacks the mainland. This is a national emergency. The military will be on call, ready to act. Time to get Dick Cheney on the horn. “Hey, ‘lil Dickey. Get your boys down at Halliburton to concoct some sort of kick-ass bug spray along with a drone-guided, rocket-propelled delivery system ‘cause we got a moth the size of Minneapolis destroying the garment district.” Done and done. Mothra has met his match.
7. Roland Emmerich
If anyone can stop Godzilla and the other marauding mutants, it’s Roland Emmerich. As the director of Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, he is the king of disaster. He knows just how much to blow up in order to stop a catastrophe yet still save civilization. Granted, he did battle Godzilla in 1998 with a less than stellar performance, but we think Roland has proven himself more than a worthy adversary. Rematch?
8. Ask Godzilla For Help
Although Godzilla is best known as a rampaging monster, he was actually the hero in 11 of the 29 movies, defending Japan from the other crazed mutant creatures. So, schedule a sit down, kind of like Obama with that cop and the Harvard professor, crack open a couple of cold ones and chat. Remove the thorn from his giant reptilian paw. I’m sure he can be persuaded to go back to being a good guy. Hey, it’s worth a shot.
Okay, so it didn’t work the first time, or the second. Godzilla defeated Mechagodzilla in both their title bouts. But technology back then was a joke. Hell, they didn’t even have cell phones yet. What were they thinking trying to build a robot to take on Godzilla? But thankfully, drastic advancements in technology means that today’s robots are far more effective. In fact, they’ve even been training – remember Robot Wars? That’s right. Today’s robots are armed to the teeth and skilled in the art of hand-to-hand combat. Mutant creatures don’t stand a chance… hopefully.
10. Recreate The Oxygen Destroyer
The Oxygen Destroyer, the invention of Dr. Daisuke Serizawa, was the ultimate (fictional) WMD. The device works by releasing a chemical (dubbed Micro-Oxygen) stored within its spherical center that reacts violently with water, isolating oxygen molecules and splitting them. The molecules are then liquefied – meaning that any organism exposed to the chemical will first suffocate and then disintegrate. When used to its full potential, the Oxygen Destroyer will leave no remains. Problem solved, right? Not quite! Unfortunately, fearing the device he created would lead to another arms race, Dr. Serizawa sacrificed himself as he detonated his device underwater, killing both Godzilla and the opportunity to recreate it. But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. It just means it’s time to make another call. “Hey, ‘lil Dickey. It’s me again…”
American Heart – Well If The Gaurd Says It’s True…
American Heart – World Wide Dead
Dan Berry began writing and performing stand-up comedy while drinking heavily and skipping class at New York University. He has since appeared in clubs and on college campuses nationwide, and is frequently featured on radio and television. Aside from creating and managing the humor site “Jotter of a Rotter” and the internationally acclaimed website “The Prison Kite” (jotterofarotter [dot] com and theprisonkite [dot] com), Dan has also lent his warped writing skills to a pair of failed network pilots, as well as to several current network shows that are somehow proving successful in spite of his crazed contributions.