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Top 10 Reasons You’re Alone On Valentine’s Day3

By Jason L. Cooper

Top 10 Reasons You’re Alone On Valentine’s Day

Nobody likes to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Nobody. If they tell you they don’t mind, they’re lying. Even if you know for a fact that the whole holiday is a sham, created by the Hallmark Corp. in order to sell Mylar balloons, waxy chocolates and dancing pink bears… there is something within us, on a cellular level, that knows it’s better to be with someone we love on Valentine’s Day than to be wallowing on the couch, watching a rerun of Glee and eating a Taco Bell chalupa.

St. Valentine’s Day is an opportune time to re-examine your life. Perhaps you’re like Dustin, the lovable loser of Assisted Living, and are wondering why you can always get the girl but never the job? Perhaps you’re lucky enough to have a job but no girl? If you’re not with someone, why? What can you do to improve your prospects of finding the right person, or the person for right now?

Maybe we can help you pinpoint what you’re doing wrong. If we can’t, at least we can say we tried.

Assisted Living – The Cold Shoulder

10. Asked the guy at See’s Candy to show you his Rum Balls one too many times.

Okay, that’s funny once. Maybe twice if you’re drinking. Any more than that and it’s a total turn off. The larger question here is: “What kind of sense of humor do you have?” Some people find cartoons funny while others are more political in their humorous leanings. If cracking jokes is part of your flirting style, make sure you know your audience. If they’re not laughing, you need fresh material. Or better yet, keep looking until you find someone who thinks your rum balls m.o. is hilarious. I bet a good time to start would be on Wednesday afternoon during Happy Hours across the city.

9. Can’t find anyone who actually wants to go to The Olive Garden.

Does your favorite restaurant suck? Think about it. If you’re a nice person and fun to be around, people should want to go to dinner with you. If you suggest your favorite place and are immediately shot down or snickered at, you may need to broaden your culinary horizons. Folks cannot live on breadsticks alone (even if they come with an endless salad bowl).

8. You’re simply a hideous She-Beast /He-Monster.

Just because I let myself go years ago doesn’t mean you should. Looks aren’t everything, but they are something. You never know what one person may find attractive. And for as many personality and body types as there are in the world, there are just as many individuals who really dig those types. Don’t go letting a few of your own issues and hang-ups sour you on the whole dating scene. That said, you’ve got to work at it a little bit. Don’t run out of deodorant. Gussy yourself up once in a while. You’ll feel better, and your outlook will improve. Before you know it you’ll be ready for that Wednesday afternoon Happy Hour.

7. Sure, they’ll laugh, but no one loves a circus clown.

What you do is not necessarily who you are. (Unless you’re a clown.) And when meeting for the first time, most people will just like you for you and not even take what you do for a living into consideration. (Unless you’re a clown.) But there are certain professions that may cause people to question a few things. “Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a mortician?” or perhaps “Will a fisherman always smell like fish?” Make sure you’re confident enough to be honest about what you do when you meet someone new. And if they aren’t game, then don’t waste your time. As a fisherman, you know the old cliché about the other fish in the sea.

6. Clinically depressed after the news of Regis’ retirement.

Everybody gets sad. When bad news rains down it can make you want to slide into that Snuggie of yours and not come out until spring. Don’t let that happen. Hibernation is not the answer. In the world of love, the only place for funk is on the dance floor.

5. Valentine unimpressed with the 99¢ Russell Stover candy purchased at CVS.

Being in love is not about the finer things, it’s about the simple things. Pajama Pants and Mac and Cheese. It’s really a happy little rut. That said, any rut is still a rut so don’t let things get too stale. You’re going to have to shake things up from time to time. Try a surprise night out or stealing some fresh fruit from your neighbor’s tree. Just something to show that you appreciate what you have, and you’re never going to let that special someone forget it. And if you’re trying to win someone’s heart — and hopefully the rest of them — go big. Don’t choose the easy, pre-made, cookie-cutter, drug-store Valentine faire. Bake something. Cook something. Sing something if you’re at a karaoke bar. Go that extra mile… and then tell them not to expect it everyday.

4. Per your Facebook status, you are in Egypt reporting on Mubarek’s vacation in Sharm el-Sheikh. (You are not, I repeat not, on your couch diving into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.)

This one is really about honesty. Probably the most important tip here. Don’t lie, especially to yourself. Famous Drag Queen and Nobel Laureate Ru Paul often says “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell is anyone else gonna love you?” So true, Ru. You go girl. Or atta boy, fella. Whichever.

3. After weeks of searching, match.com had to send you a refund.

As with everything in life, you must not give up. I’ve heard stories for years now about people who tried online dating sites, were just about to throw in the towel, then found the love of their life. I’m living proof of that. Maybe you’re trying to meet someone online or speed dating a shot or, sure, I’ll say it again, going to Happy Hours. All three? That’s great. It means you’re trying. And you have got to keep at it. Happily Ever After is never easy, but it’s totally worth it. Keep fighting the good fight.

2. Fallout from that Dateline exposé still palpable.

Ugly rumors following you? Ugly truths, perhaps? Everybody makes mistakes, everyone gets accused of things they didn’t do. In most circles, it’s known as the “Whomever Smelt it, Didn’t Necessarily Deal It” rule. Whatever the facts are, unless you’re dangerous or criminally insane, you really need to just get over it and go for it. Most of the time, the only person holding you back is you.

1. You’re never alone when you’ve got faith.

Faith sustains us… but it don’t bring us flowers. Oops. Wrong picture!

I hope this helped you look a bit deeper into some of the root causes of your by-your-self-ed-ness. Or in the very least, helped you kill a few minutes at work. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Watch more episodes of the awkward situational comedy Assisted Living

Jason L. Cooper is a writer living in Los Angeles. He is an aspiring wine-maker & parapsychologist.

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