10 Alternate Career Choices for Those Who Like to do Illegal Things1

By Jessica Shear, Jan 24, 2012 in Pop Culture

Doing what we love makes work less a chore and more like fun. But if what floats your boat tends to the illegal, it’s advisable to combine your skills and interests with a profession that allows you to carry them out within the limits of the law.

Professions where access to government or corporate secrets are part of the job can make a person vulnerable to outside manipulation, and an unwitting participant in illegal activity, as is the case in the award-winning, action-packed, edge-of-your-seat thriller series, The Division, now playing on Internet TV. Bodyguard Nick Trevor is forced to play both sides of the fence when his young son is kidnapped by a mysterious group who demands the delivery of the U.S. Senator that Trevor is guarding, in exchange for his son.

While everyone understands what a parent will do to protect their own, breaking the law can easily land you in prison. As a result, we suggest converting illegal activities into legal careers. Here are 10 such examples.

The Division – Taken

Car Thief as Repo Man

Back in the day, car door locks had knobby tops. If you locked your keys in the car all you needed was a wire hanger fashioned into a hook, which you could slide through the rubber seal around the window, loop around the knob and pull. On the other hand, if you didn’t have a hanger, every neighborhood seemed to have a guy named Nick who, if he wasn’t doing time in Juvenile Hall for car theft, could be found in metal shop fashioning Slim Jims out of scrap. For guys like Nick, the current down-turn in the economy and easy auto loan offerings of a few years ago spells opportunity! Vehicle repossessions are soaring, creating lots of work for repossession experts. There’s no doubt that if your forte is auto theft, there’s perfectly legal work available to you as a friendly neighborhood Repo Man!

Lead Foot as Racecar Driver

While we’re on the subject of cars, who of us hasn’t put the pedal to the metal from time to time? For many of us with otherwise sterling driving records, a speeding ticket or two is likely our only blemish. However, when the need for speed transforms a person into a menace to society, burning rubber on a closed course instead of public roads becomes the ticket to avoiding tickets! Become a professional speeder and, if you’re worth your weight in fuel, you’ll make money instead of handing it over to your local municipality.

Prostitute as Licensed Sexual Healer

Prostitution isn’t called the oldest profession on earth for nothing. In fact, it wasn’t even illegal in the United States until the early 1900s. Regardless of your take on whether “working girls” should be allowed to hang a shingle or not, the fact remains that the illegal activity persists because there is an obvious demand for it. Having said that, to engage in sex for money, you need not have been voted “Most Slutty” in your high school class, stroll the boulevard or be strung out on drugs. In fact, there are an increasing number of professions centered on sexual healing. Although there is no such thing as a licensed sexual therapist, if you enjoy helping others and are sexually uninhibited, it is legal to be a licensed therapist specializing in sex therapy. I’m pretty sure University of Phoenix doesn’t have an offering yet, but each state has its own licensure requirements that include some combination of graduate education and clinical experience.

Tidbit: Prostitution was legal in Rhode Island between 1980 and 2009 because there was no specific statute to define the act and outlaw it, although associated activities such as street solicitation, running a brothel and pimping were illegal.

Peeping Tom as Window Washer

We all have some voyeuristic tendencies. If you can honestly say you’ve never turned your head while driving at night to glance through a lighted window, you lack curiosity. However, for some, peering through windows (uninvited) is a source for sexual release. Illegal for obvious reasons, the need to secretly watch others can be satisfied by becoming a window washer. Fortunately for society, window washers perform their jobs out in the open in the clear light of day, often hanging from a platform or strapped into a harness several stories in the air.

Computer Hacker as Certified Ethical Hacker

Time was when if there was a breach in computer security, you could bet it was at the hands of some teenaged geek messing around instead of doing homework. But when computers became integral to the daily running of our lives (from gas stations to government offices), the little twerp stopped being a funny underdog and started becoming a true threat. Enter the International Council of E-Commerce Consultants which offers “Ethical Hacker” certification. Under the heading of “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em,” Ethical Hackers are certified for the purpose of identifying computer security vulnerabilities. In other words, little Justin the anti-social computer hacker becomes highly employable Justin the Penetration Tester, who uses the same methods he employed as a hacker to uncover and remedy weaknesses to computer and network systems.

Drug Dealer as Pharmacy Technician

Although drug dealers are more attracted to the money than the drugs, there’s no denying that they often become adept at measuring, divvying, counting and identifying. They know their Oxycontin from their Demerol and their Seconal from their Nembutal, which is a large part of what Pharmacy Techs learn during their first couple months of school. Starting out way ahead of the class, there seems no more logical path to take for a drug dealer than using their skills for good, not evil, in the whimsical, white-lab-coat-attired pharmaceutical profession.

Con(fidence) Man as Congressman

The Melon Drop, Fiddle Game, Pigeon Drop, Napoleon Con, Rip Deal, Hydrophobia Lie and the ever popular Persuasion Play… all popular tricks employed by con artists to make you part with money or property. The common denominator in all of them is the ability of the trickster to earn the trust of the target, convince them of one thing, and perpetrate the crime. Although I believe many politicians enter their careers with good intentions, the very nature of the beast entails earning confidence among ones constituents. When populations are made up of people with widely divergent interests and expectations, losing the trust of some of your audience is unavoidable. However, the opportunity to manipulate the situation is almost impossible for those politicians who enter with already less than sterling ethics or motives, making the job of Congressman ideal for those with a background in the art of the con.

ID Theft as Impersonator

Has anybody ever mistaken you for somebody else, or have they said you remind them of a famous personality? Have you ever used your older siblings ID as your own to gain entry into a bar? Ever called yourself-in sick to school or work – or forged a parent’s signature to a note or permission slip? Have you graduated to dumpster diving in order to steal mail and open up credit card accounts using another person’s private information? No, I’m sure you haven’t, but some people have. For those with a flair for slipping into somebody else’s identity, consider walking the straight and narrow by becoming an Entertainment Impersonator. If all that’s keeping you from looking like Katy Perry is a dye job and a push-up bra, a good agent or an eye-catching Facebook page is a great way to segue from the illegal to the straight and narrow – rent yourself out for parties and bar mitzvahs or work as a look-alike for security details.

Embezzler as Financial Advisor

Two words. Bernie Madoff. Turning his wealth management business into a far-reaching Ponzi scheme, Madoff defrauded thousands of investors of over 18 billion dollars. His origins demonstrate a true success story. Madoff saved money from working as a lifeguard and sprinkler installer and started a penny stock trader firm. An honest gift for numbers and investing ultimately brought him legitimate success and recognition throughout the world of finance. Unfortunately, the lure of greater gains created an increasing cycle of corruption, until the walls of Wall Street crashed down on him in 2009 and he was sentenced to 150 years in prison for creating the financial crime of the century.

Burglar as Home Security Specialist

If you want an expert job done, you call an expert. When determining the best way to secure a home against break-ins, who is the best source of information? Somebody with a background in sales and a bag full of locks and alarms, or somebody who knows that the bushes in your front yard make great cover during break-ins, and that the recycling tubs stacked against your back wall make ideal ladders to the open second story window? If you match the last description, consider a career as a Home Security Specialist. Break into homes for a fee, and offer security analysis to home and business owners. Satisfy your need for breaking and entering with an honest profession and leave the police record behind.

The Division – Genesis

Raised in both the DC Metro Area and West Africa, Jessica Shear pulls from life experience in her quest to become one of the great essayists of her time. Failing that, she finds solace in riding her motorcycle and in playing with her cats and boyfriend – all requiring patience, a keen eye for obstacles and the ability to speak sweetly and slowly. A freelance writer for 15 years, Jessica’s work can be found online via Demand Media, in marketing collateral of all kinds, in Underwired, CommonGround and Hype in Type magazines…and filling her parents’ junk drawers.