10 Steps to Recovering from a Break-Up That Broke Your Heart1

By Julia Todd, Feb 13, 2012 in Offbeat, Pop Culture

There are few things more difficult than getting over a broken heart. If you’ve ever been dumped as abruptly and unceremoniously as Parish was in the original comedy series 12-Steps to Recovery, you know what I’m saying is true. A broken heart is a terrible thing, and while there may not be a manual for healing one, there are some things you can do to get over the relationship and prepare yourself for a better future.

Parish’s friends, Blue and Dani, came up with the idea of having him go on 12 dates… which, as you can imagine, have a variety of very entertaining results. I don’t personally know if 12 dates is necessarily the way to go, but I’ve got 10 steps of my own which, when completed in any order, will leave your ex safely in the past.

12-Steps To Recovery – Act Like a Man

1. Say it out loud.

Sometimes the shock of a breakup leaves you thinking it may not have actually happened. You may wake up in the morning and think it was nothing more than a bad dream. Then you shake it off and come to terms with the fact that your relationship is really over. It’s sad, but it’s true. A great way to get over the denial is just to say it out loud. Maybe while you drive to work or when you’re flossing your teeth at night, take a minute to say “we broke up, it’s over” a few times. You may have to do this for a few days (or weeks) but actually speaking the words will help process the reality of the situation.

2. Delete their information.

Unless you have kids together – just do it. Otherwise, it’s time to hit “delete”. You probably know their number by heart anyway, so there’s no reason to have your ex’s phone number showing up in Contact lists. When your ex is gone from all of your lists there’s no chance of accidentally forwarding an e-mail, sending an unnecessary text message, or pocket-dialing. Plus, if the day comes when the number shows up on your caller ID and you don’t recognize who’s calling, chances are you won’t pick up and you’ll realize that you’ve really moved on.

3. Spread the word.

Update your status. Have all your friends tell their friends. Send out a quick e-mail to everyone on your Contact list (which will no longer include the ex, right?!). This way you’ll have fewer of those awkward moments where you run into someone on the street and they ask “How’s Rod?” and you have to say “Well, actually…” That conversation never goes well. And, if you have mutual friends with your ex, spreading the word lowers the chances of being invited to the same event or, at the very least, you’ll be warned your ex may be there and you’ll be better prepared.

4. Feel it.

You might want to yell; you might want to cry; you might just want to huddle under the covers for a day with Ben & Jerry while asking “why” over and over again. And you should. The key is to give yourself a limit. Go somewhere you can be alone and then just let it out. Holding your emotions in-check means you can never let them go. Feeling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or over-reacting, it means you’re human (a great friend told me that during a terrible break up and it was one of the best things anyone ever said to me). You just can’t let your feelings rule your life, which they are more likely to do if you never identify them and let them out.

5. Say goodbye.

Write a letter to your ex (but don’t send it) or, while looking in the mirror, say the farewell speech you wish you’d been able to think of at the original moment of impact. It may sound incredibly corny but you must have closure. More than likely you didn’t get the chance to say all of the stuff you wanted to say during the breakup. Do it now. In fact, say goodbye to the physical stuff, too. Donate anything of your ex’s that was left behind. Throw away the pictures from your first date. Maybe keep one or two special items to look back on much further down the road, but pack them up, shove ‘em to the back of your closet and mark the box “tax returns” so you won’t feel compelled to look inside for a while.

12-Steps To Recovery – Spoken Word

6. Fix yourself up.

Really. It works. You’ve probably got some extra time on your hands. Spend it at the gym or work on improving your running time at the track. Next, update your wardrobe. Get rid of whatever is in your closet that was your ex’s favorite. Finally, try a new hairstyle or hair color. You’re not trying to re-invent yourself here, but this is the perfect opportunity to remind yourself just how amazing you really are. Plus, if you run in to your ex or any of their friends it will feel good to know that you look marvelous!

7. Find a hobby.

There are two reasons to find a hobby. First, you need the distraction. Whether it’s cooking or target shooting, or even joining a book-of-the-month club, a hobby will help provide structure to your life. Second, it’s a great way to meet new people. If you were with your ex for a long time, most of your friends are probably used to spending time with the two of you together. Picking up a hobby will give you a chance to let people get to know you for you and you alone – not as part of a couple. And, hey, you might find some prospective dates… or mothers of prospective dates… or friends of prospective dates… you get the idea.

8. Figure out what you’ve learned.

All the time and energy you invested in the relationship shouldn’t be wasted. Take a little bit of time, after you’ve come to terms with the fact that your relationship is really over, to figure out what you learned from the entire experience. You might even go a step further and figure out what you could have done differently, or look at the relationship through the eyes of your ex. This will help make sure you don’t make the same mistakes the next time around, either by being with someone who isn’t right for you or by repeating behaviors you may need to change.

9. Rally the troops.

Get your friends together. That’s what they’re there for. Put them on alert that you may need to call them in the middle of the night. Get a rotation going so that when you feel the urge to text your ex, you text one of your friends instead. Take a road trip or have a slumber party. When your personal friends are friends with you as a couple, they spend less time with you. Use this opportunity as a good excuse to re-connect and remember how important your personal friendships are.

10. Break the seal.

Go to Happy Hour with friends and talk to a stranger (forget what your parents told you for once). Get used to saying you’re single and start flirting. Go out on a date. Hold hands and talk til dawn. Keep it PG until you’re really ready to move on, but start seeing who’s out there and figure out what you want from your next partner. Remember what it’s like to have butterflies in your stomach? There’s no cure for feeling down like a great first kiss. And hey, if you find someone who makes your toes tingle, it will more than just distract you from any remnant memories.

12-Steps To Recovery – Tastes Like Kandi

Watch the next episode of the fabulous comedy series 12-Steps to Recovery

Julia Todd lives on the Central Coast of California with her two young sons. When she’s not at the office or doing coursework for her MBA she tries to squeeze in a few hours of sleep. She also enjoys watching movies, wine tasting, reading, baking, and traveling. She has high hopes of finishing one of the many books she’s started. Her dream is to spend a summer in Reims writing and listening to her boys learn French.