A Hypochondriac’s Guide to the Fiercest Fake Diseases (Diagnosed by Movies, TV, and Videogames)
By Annie Cooper
We’d like to give thanks to the good people running the world’s largest pharmaceutical conglomerates for helping us through our day. The nasty diseases, ailments, and infirmities that have plagued us are now mostly put to rest by glimmering, magic pills. All you have to do is exchange that Generalized Anxiety Disorder for some common side effects including dry mouth, suicidal thoughts, and occasional armpit bleeding.
Big Pharma and its “allegedly” predatory practices is only one of the many targets considered fair game for the wry satarists behind KoldCast TV’s You’re Thinking of Someone Else. With a smart, fresh installment each week, the show features a variety of original sketches by groundbreaking women: writers, comedians, actors, and directors who use the platform to explore issues as diverse as the minds behind the material.
From sex (or lack thereof) to syndromes (real and imagined), no subject is taboo for the women of You’re Thinking Of Someone Else. Though Episode 4 does offer a highly anticipated cure to “Made-Up Disease,” below you’ll find a primer on notable maladies that have been featured in a variety of films, movies and video games over the years.
Click to watch Episode 4 of comedy sketch series You’re Thinking Of Someone Else
This episode contains two sketches, “Made-Up Disease” and “Jeggings”
Sure, the creators may insist they’re entirely works of fancy, but maybe that’s just what they want you to think. One can never be too safe. Study the list, be ever vigilant, and carry a vat of medical-grade hand sanitizer in your Jansport.
Krippin Virus (I Am Legend, 2007)
Origin
Created by Dr. Alice Krppin aka Emma Thompson in an underground New York City laboratory. Originally designed as a cure for cancer derived from the measles, Krippin quickly mutated into a contagious pathogen, wiping out 90% of humanity.
Symptoms
Increased body temperature, heart and respiratory rates. Pupil dilation, loss of body hair. Extreme UV sensitivity. Super-human agility, strength, and speed. Tendency to snack upon the flesh of unwilling victims.
Prognosis
Poor, unless becoming a bloodthirsty hairless night creature or failed medical experiment is on your bucket list.
Treatment
Continual application of a lonely, reclusive, and pissed off Will Smith, MD.
Andromeda Strain AKA Green Line of Death (The Andromeda Strain, 1971)
Origin
Extraterrestrial at first. Well, actually a best-selling book at first, then movie, then a mini series. Andromeda caught a ride on a crashed satellite in Piedmont, New Mexico where it started killing everyone except an infant and elderly man.
Symptoms
Upon exposure, every vein in the body begins to clot and every drop of blood rapidly turns to dust.
Prognosis
Not too promising. See above.
Treatment
None. However, because Andromeda only survives within a narrow Ph range, those whose blood chemistry is too alkaline or too acidic will be spared. So start mixing up that Sterno martini, Mr. Bond. Oh, and don’t try blowing the virus up because a nuclear explosion would strengthen and mutate it into an unknown, unstoppable alien force.
Mine-itis (Sesame Street, Episode 4181)
Origin
A 2008 epidemic on Sesame Street in New York, NY that infected 14 individuals, including VIPs Bert, Grover, Cookie Monster, Big Bird, and Mr. Snuffleupagus. Respected news anchor Brian Williams was on scene reporting events as they unfolded.
Symptoms
Victims begin to itch, followed by hopping uncontrollably, followed by a brief period of spinning. Shortly thereafter, they experience a sudden loss of the ability to share with others. Infected individuals exhibit increased ego, selfishness, and can often be seen wandering about clutching items, muttering “Mine mine mine.” Highly contagious, spreads equally between humans and Muppets alike.
Prognosis
Optomistic, fun, and educational. What do you expect?
Treatment
Only one muppet is known to have the cure: Mr. Oscar the Grouch. According to Mr. Grouch – already assumed to be a chronic sufferer of the disease – one must voluntarily and of his own volition, share something of personal value with an infected individual.
Spattergroit – (Harry Potter And the Order of the Phoenix, 2003)
Origin
J.K. Rowling’s Whimsical British Imagination. Spattergroit first started causing mayhem in her 2003 book, followed by the 2007 film.
Symptoms
Large, fungus-like purple pustules (read: pus) covering the skin and internal organs, often causing muteness after spreading to the uvula according to Ron Weasley, so take that with a grain of salt.
Prognosis
Treatable. The top Spattergroits facility in the world, a government facility nonetheless, is St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries
Treatment
Simple, really. Just bind the liver of a toad around the victim’s throat, and have him or her stand nude in a barrel of eel’s eyes under a full moon.
Corrupted Blood (World of Warcraft, 2005)
Origin
Initially spread by those who fought Hakkar, the God of Blood, in the dungeon of Zul’Gurub. Due to a programming glitch, the virus spread quickly throughout the entire WoW community, killing off minor, low-ranking characters and damaging the abilities of more established ones. Panic ensued. Cities were abandoned. Many an angry fist suffered from Shaking-at-the-Computer-Screen Exhaustion.
Symptoms
Avatars will experience massive character damage or death. Real people will undergo annoyance and loss of precious time that could be spent pretending to be someone else.
Prognosis
Grim. According to Reuteurs, major urban areas were “filled to the brim with corpses,” and the city streets “white with the bones of the dead.”
Treatment
A hard reset to the WoW servers, followed by a brilliant intentional zombie virus outbreak marketing scheme promoting the WoW expasion pack.
The Cutie Pox (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, 2010)
Origin
Equestria, Home to the My Little Ponies. But of course, you already knew that.
Symptoms
Entire pretty pony body covered in iconic Cutie Marks. Sudden, uncontrollable display of one’s special Little Pony talent, whatever that personal skill may be.
Prognosis
Uncurable, but you don’t want to get rid of this one for fear of remaning a “blank flank.” Think of it as going through puberty. A delightful, colorful, whimsical puberty.
Treatment
Eating a flower grown from the Seeds of Truth. This can be obtained from your local mystical zebra herbalist, Zecora.
Space Dementia (Armageddon, 1998)
Origin
A general hopelessness induced by being left for dead in the vastness of space. Steve Buscemi gets it and goes totally ‘nanners, trying to off everyone on the ship.
Symptoms
Extreme recklessness and ability to recall obscure facts and quotes from movie classics – unlike real life Dementia, which is sad and grossly debilitating.
Prognosis
Fatal if sufferer must continue residence in outer space. If he or she can arrange transport home, mediocre at best. They’ll live, but probably in solitary confinement for endagering every last human being on Earth’s chance for survival.
Treatment
Removal of victim from the maddening vaccum of the infinite. Before applying, victim should finish blowing up the giant asteroid that’s coming to squish Earth. You know, priorities.
Annie Cooper is a writer, armchair public transportation advocate, and aspiring taco critic. She has written columns and specialized training materials related to children with special needs, parenting issues, and early childhood development. Her writings are geared toward therapists, social workers, and teachers of young children with complex medical and developmental issues. She recently left her job in social services in an effort to become part of the problem, rather than the solution. Annie lives in Los Angeles, but she’s not from there – nobody’s from there.
A Hypochondriac’s Guide to the Fiercest Fake Diseases (Diagnosed by Movies, TV, and Videogames)
By Annie Cooper
We’d like to give thanks to the good people running the world’s largest pharmaceutical conglomerates for helping us through our day. The nasty diseases, ailments, and infirmities that have plagued us are now mostly put to rest by glimmering, magic pills. All you have to do is exchange that Generalized Anxiety Disorder for some common side effects including dry mouth, suicidal thoughts, and occasional armpit bleeding.
Big Pharma and its “allegedly” predatory practices is only one of the many targets considered fair game for the wry satarists behind KoldCast TV’s You’re Thinking of Someone Else. With a smart, fresh installment each week, the show features a variety of original sketches by groundbreaking women: writers, comedians, actors, and directors who use the platform to explore issues as diverse as the minds behind the material.
From sex (or lack thereof) to syndromes (real and imagined), no subject is taboo for the women of You’re Thinking Of Someone Else. Though Episode 4 does offer a highly anticipated cure to “Made-Up Disease,” below you’ll find a primer on notable maladies that have been featured in a variety of films, movies and video games over the years.
Click to watch Episode 4 of comedy sketch series You’re Thinking Of Someone Else
This episode contains two sketches, “Made-Up Disease” and “Jeggings”
Sure, the creators may insist they’re entirely works of fancy, but maybe that’s just what they want you to think. One can never be too safe. Study the list, be ever vigilant, and carry a vat of medical-grade hand sanitizer in your Jansport.
Krippin Virus (I Am Legend, 2007)
Origin
Created by Dr. Alice Krppin aka Emma Thompson in an underground New York City laboratory. Originally designed as a cure for cancer derived from the measles, Krippin quickly mutated into a contagious pathogen, wiping out 90% of humanity.
Symptoms
Increased body temperature, heart and respiratory rates. Pupil dilation, loss of body hair. Extreme UV sensitivity. Super-human agility, strength, and speed. Tendency to snack upon the flesh of unwilling victims.
Prognosis
Poor, unless becoming a bloodthirsty hairless night creature or failed medical experiment is on your bucket list.
Treatment
Continual application of a lonely, reclusive, and pissed off Will Smith, MD.
Andromeda Strain AKA Green Line of Death (The Andromeda Strain, 1971)
Origin
Extraterrestrial at first. Well, actually a best-selling book at first, then movie, then a mini series. Andromeda caught a ride on a crashed satellite in Piedmont, New Mexico where it started killing everyone except an infant and elderly man.
Symptoms
Upon exposure, every vein in the body begins to clot and every drop of blood rapidly turns to dust.
Prognosis
Not too promising. See above.
Treatment
None. However, because Andromeda only survives within a narrow Ph range, those whose blood chemistry is too alkaline or too acidic will be spared. So start mixing up that Sterno martini, Mr. Bond. Oh, and don’t try blowing the virus up because a nuclear explosion would strengthen and mutate it into an unknown, unstoppable alien force.
Mine-itis (Sesame Street, Episode 4181)
Origin
A 2008 epidemic on Sesame Street in New York, NY that infected 14 individuals, including VIPs Bert, Grover, Cookie Monster, Big Bird, and Mr. Snuffleupagus. Respected news anchor Brian Williams was on scene reporting events as they unfolded.
Symptoms
Victims begin to itch, followed by hopping uncontrollably, followed by a brief period of spinning. Shortly thereafter, they experience a sudden loss of the ability to share with others. Infected individuals exhibit increased ego, selfishness, and can often be seen wandering about clutching items, muttering “Mine mine mine.” Highly contagious, spreads equally between humans and Muppets alike.
Prognosis
Optomistic, fun, and educational. What do you expect?
Treatment
Only one muppet is known to have the cure: Mr. Oscar the Grouch. According to Mr. Grouch – already assumed to be a chronic sufferer of the disease – one must voluntarily and of his own volition, share something of personal value with an infected individual.
Spattergroit – (Harry Potter And the Order of the Phoenix, 2003)
Origin
J.K. Rowling’s Whimsical British Imagination. Spattergroit first started causing mayhem in her 2003 book, followed by the 2007 film.
Symptoms
Large, fungus-like purple pustules (read: pus) covering the skin and internal organs, often causing muteness after spreading to the uvula according to Ron Weasley, so take that with a grain of salt.
Prognosis
Treatable. The top Spattergroits facility in the world, a government facility nonetheless, is St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries
Treatment
Simple, really. Just bind the liver of a toad around the victim’s throat, and have him or her stand nude in a barrel of eel’s eyes under a full moon.
Corrupted Blood (World of Warcraft, 2005)
Origin
Initially spread by those who fought Hakkar, the God of Blood, in the dungeon of Zul’Gurub. Due to a programming glitch, the virus spread quickly throughout the entire WoW community, killing off minor, low-ranking characters and damaging the abilities of more established ones. Panic ensued. Cities were abandoned. Many an angry fist suffered from Shaking-at-the-Computer-Screen Exhaustion.
Symptoms
Avatars will experience massive character damage or death. Real people will undergo annoyance and loss of precious time that could be spent pretending to be someone else.
Prognosis
Grim. According to Reuteurs, major urban areas were “filled to the brim with corpses,” and the city streets “white with the bones of the dead.”
Treatment
A hard reset to the WoW servers, followed by a brilliant intentional zombie virus outbreak marketing scheme promoting the WoW expasion pack.
The Cutie Pox (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, 2010)
Origin
Equestria, Home to the My Little Ponies. But of course, you already knew that.
Symptoms
Entire pretty pony body covered in iconic Cutie Marks. Sudden, uncontrollable display of one’s special Little Pony talent, whatever that personal skill may be.
Prognosis
Uncurable, but you don’t want to get rid of this one for fear of remaning a “blank flank.” Think of it as going through puberty. A delightful, colorful, whimsical puberty.
Treatment
Eating a flower grown from the Seeds of Truth. This can be obtained from your local mystical zebra herbalist, Zecora.
Space Dementia (Armageddon, 1998)
Origin
A general hopelessness induced by being left for dead in the vastness of space. Steve Buscemi gets it and goes totally ‘nanners, trying to off everyone on the ship.
Symptoms
Extreme recklessness and ability to recall obscure facts and quotes from movie classics – unlike real life Dementia, which is sad and grossly debilitating.
Prognosis
Fatal if sufferer must continue residence in outer space. If he or she can arrange transport home, mediocre at best. They’ll live, but probably in solitary confinement for endagering every last human being on Earth’s chance for survival.
Treatment
Removal of victim from the maddening vaccum of the infinite. Before applying, victim should finish blowing up the giant asteroid that’s coming to squish Earth. You know, priorities.
Annie Cooper is a writer, armchair public transportation advocate, and aspiring taco critic. She has written columns and specialized training materials related to children with special needs, parenting issues, and early childhood development. Her writings are geared toward therapists, social workers, and teachers of young children with complex medical and developmental issues. She recently left her job in social services in an effort to become part of the problem, rather than the solution. Annie lives in Los Angeles, but she’s not from there – nobody’s from there.