Champion Chumps: Five Psycho Sports Dads Who Made Headlines

By Ben Mones

As a father, a man’s mission is to craft and mold a son in his own likeness, free from the failures and folly of his own past. The son is the 2.0, the new and improved, the deluxe edition with the works. For athletically inclined poppas, this means raising a son that makes the team dad never could, the son that gets the D1 scholarship to State Tech. This month, proud, tearful fathers from around the world will watch their sons compete at the highest level at the Olympic Games in London.

Sports bring a father and son closer together…with a couple of exceptions. Malcolm and “Dad” are the counterexample in KoldCast TV’s new comedy Dad Drives. In this witty series, pops obsessively tries to revive his relationship with his son, wading through awkward silences and forced conversations during their many car rides.  In episode two, Dad searches for some common ground, trying to join Malcolm’s street hockey game in order to get out of a funeral.

You are watching Episode 2 of comedy series Dad Drives, “Mr. Totney’s Funeral”

Malcolm’s dad tries to use sports to connect with his son; unfortunately he is late to the party. Many dads introduce sports at a much younger age. As soon as a boy can stand on his own two feet, coach #1 has him step up to the plate and grip a plastic bat for a little soft toss in the backyard. Fathers justify this proactive “encouragement” as character building. Sports, they reason, will help their son understand competition and teamwork, and in the long-term help their son succeed where they could not.

Sometimes, dads take their passion for sport far beyond character building, pushing into the realm of abuse and negligence. Take a look at the five dads below who let their competitive spirits get the best of them.

Run, Referee, Run: A Texas Sized Knockout

Our first dad comes out of Corpus Christi, TX, the coach of his 5-year-old son’s Pop Warner football team. After a dispute with a referee thirty years his junior, this Texas bull charges on the field and delivers a vicious blow to the referee’s skull. The right hook started quite the rumble as more parents joined in the fracas. Unfortunately the referee was out cold and was not around to call the winner in the fight. Nice one, coach!

Cheerleader Assassin: The Black Widow

We stray over to the female sex for this monster. Wanda Holloway, of Channelview, Texas, solicited a hitman to kill the mother of one of her daughter’s rivals. Wanda’s daughter had lost her spot on the middle school cheerleading team, and this would-be killer sought revenge in her daughter’s name. The “Pom-Pom Mom” allegedly thought the death of her daughter’s rival’s mother would be so emotionally disturbing that the rival would never cheer again. Luckily, the cops cuffed the would-be assassin before any murder was set in motion.

You are watching Episode 1 of comedy series Dad Drives, “Better Late Than Never”

Watch more hilarious episodes of Dad Drives

Golf Goon: Manager, Father, Drill Sergeant

Sean O’Hair, now a prolific golfer on the PGA Tour, recounts how his father forced him to drop out of school at 16 to focus on his game. That same year, Papa O’Hair forced Sean to sign a contract obligating the young golfer to pay his father 10% of future earnings – for life. In an interview segment on 60 Minutes II, the elder O’Hair referred to his son as a business venture, calling him “pretty good labor.” He also publicly berated his son on the course, driving Sean to break down in tears during a televised tournament. Sean, needless to say, does not have his father on speed dial.

Bat Dad vs. Randy: Battle Royale

Those of us who idolize Randy Marsh of South Park fondly remember the episode where he gets wasted at his son’s Little League game and fights an imposing, costumed father from his son’s opposing team. South Park, with the standard “laugh-but-look-what’s-wrong-with-society” storyline, illustrates the way some parents vicariously compete through their children. Take a look at the death match between Randy Marsh and Bat Dad. Sure, it didn’t actually happen, but if it’s on South Park the problem is as real as ever. The scene is set to the theme of Rocky, just in case you couldn’t grasp the depth of Randy’s competitiveness.

The Baby Trainer: Crafting the Perfect Athlete

Marv Marinovich, a former football coach and fitness expert, famously began stretching his son’s hamstrings when the kid was one month old. As a child, Marv never let his son eat a Big Mac or an Oreo. Marv was so serious about staying natural that he had his son teethe on frozen kidneys. The strategy seemed to work. Todd Marinovich was heavily recruited out of high school and was a first round draft pick in the NFL. Unfortunately the bright lights got the best of the younger Marinovich, and he left the NFL after only one year because of a substance abuse problem.

Ben Mones was imported to Brooklyn from the west coast in an egg transport truck. He claims to have come up with the idea for the League of Nations, although the League’s rise and fall was well before his birth. He likes to use big words like “egg transport” and “truck.”