Five Everyday Situations It Would Be Great To Have An Agent For
By Brandon Cohen
Ever stop to think about why Hollywood A-listers have agents? Surely, Angelina Jolie doesn’t need one in order to continue landing roles in blockbusters. So, why does she keep giving away 10% of her paycheck when she could be using that money to buy scissors with which to cut slits in her dresses? The reason is she doesn’t want to get her hands dirty! And believe me, it’s a dirty business.
However, it isn’t just the Angelina’s and the Franklin Muniz’s of the world who benefit from having agents at their disposal. Aspiring F-listers nationwide need to book gigs too! Enter Ron Barba, from the hysterical and oftentimes absurdist KoldCast TV comedy series King of the List. Ron doesn’t waste his time with the likes of Hollywood-types such as Jennifer Love Hewitt or Haley Joel Osment. Too much ego! Too much drama! Too many three-part names!
Barba is the preeminent Craigslist agent in all of New York City. He forages through the multitudes of Craigslist posts, leaving no stone unturned in his pursuit to find the perfect gig for his ever-expanding stable of clients. That stable includes mimes, drag queens, magicians, and ventriloquists – essentially anyone with some talent and access to the Internet.
You are watching Episode 1 of King of the List, “Bully for You Ron Barba”
If these people can land an agent, surely you or I could land one too, right? What’s that you say? You have no desire to be an actor? Well, wouldn’t it be amazing to have a Ron Barba to do our dirty work in our daily lives? Let’s take a look at five instances in everyday life that it would be great to have an agent for.
Picking Which Movie to See With Your Significant Other
Movies are a tough thing for a couple to agree on. You like action; she likes rom-coms. You hate reading subtitles; she thinks it makes you guys seem cultured. By the time you guys finally agree on what to see, you’re both so fed up with each other that you spend the entire movie just thinking about how intensely silent your treatment is going to be once the credits roll. Stop letting Tyler Perry ruin your relationship! Your agent is there to keep the peace. He knows you so very well because you’ve been through so much together, that he’ll be able to negotiate the perfect flick that both parties will enjoy. Just tell him to stop creepily staring at you when you guys kiss during the movie.
Convincing Your Friends That Dinner Should Be At a Restaurant Near You
Your agent should be taking care of logistical nonsense. Your time is far too valuable! Once Angelina agrees to do Salt 2 she doesn’t concern herself with the details. Once you agree to dinner, you shouldn’t be hung up on boring back-and-forths about location. Think about how much of your precious time is wasted with conversations like this:
Friend: Jared, Bobby and I were talking about getting together for dinner tonight, you down to join?
You: Yeah, def, count me in. Where are you thinking?
Friend: We’re not positive yet, but we’re deciding between a place that you can only get to by navigating the river Styx into the depth of Hades, or this new fish taco joint rumored to have opened up in the lost city of Atlantis.
You: Hmmm – those sound kinda far – how ’bout a place closer to me?
Friend: I’d be down, but….
How much easier would that conversation be if as soon as the dinner was confirmed, you could just drop “my people will be in touch about time and location.” By 8:00 p.m. that night, BOOM, you’re meeting your friends at the local burger joint on your corner.
Click to watch Episode 2 of King of the List, “Ventriloquist, duh?”
Procuring a Seat on the Subway
Your agent isn’t only there to negotiate with people. Sometimes words just won’t cut it. Your agent goes everywhere with you, and there’s no better time to use his, “being an asshole”, prowess than when you’re on the subway. You hate your job, you’re exhausted, it’s sweltering hot, and it’s crowded at the station. Those subway doors open and you push through the abyss of arms and iPods before catching a forbidden glimpse of some lucky soul who is seated comfortably like a king on his throne. That should be you, but you don’t want to be the jerk tripping old ladies and overturning the disabled in order to land a seat! With your agent there, being a jerk can officially be outsourced. He’s there to blaze that path for you by shoving, nudging and tripping through the crowd to earn you that coveted seat. Just give him 10% of the space.
Telling Your Best Friend That You Can’t Stand Their New Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Agents love to deliver good news, but we’re not paying them to be liked, we’re paying them to get their hands dirty. You need your agent to deliver bad news that you just don’t have the heart to deliver. It’s an awkward position to be put in when your friend starts bringing around their new squeeze and you realize pretty early on that he/she makes your ears bleed. There’s the inevitable “So, what do you think?” You can’t lie; this is one of your best friends! After all, if they were walking around a party with a huge piece of spinach lodged between their front teeth and asked you how they looked, you’d obviously tell them the truth.
So, when they ask you what you think of this human piece of spinach, why is it so hard for you to tell them the truth? I’ll tell you why – because they will inevitably marry the spinach, and when the spinach finds out what you said about them, they will deal with it by making sure that you are no longer a part of their life! Your agent, however, doesn’t care about people’s feelings. They hate feelings. Your agent will be able to get the point across to your friend about why the spinach is not right for them, while keeping your untarnished name out of the equation.
Click to watch Episode 3 of King of the List, “Stick to What You Know”
Getting Into Clubs
Clubs are a great place to go if it’s been a while since you’ve felt really bad about yourself. I couldn’t even get into a Sam’s Club without bringing at least four girls. The degradation of having to stand behind a rope while some guy with a two-letter name like JP or MQ gets to walk right in with a gaggle of models is too much for one man to take. Is there any other institution that requires negotiating and begging quite like the entrance to a nightclub? If you guessed Agenting, MQ will throw you a model. Negotiating and begging are what agents were born to do! You may be grossed out by how slimy and egotistical most of the people are at this place, but your agent is like a kid in a candy store. He is quite fluent in the language of douche, and he’ll help you skip that embarrassing rope line in no time. No more waiting out in the cold – now you can focus all your attention on feeling bad about yourself inside the club!
Brandon Cohen is a comedy writer who currently resides in NYC. He enjoys 90s music, watching cops arrest drunks, dogs, videos of people falling down, karaoke, complaining, all beach sports, people watching, and any restaurant/bar on a roof. He often lies awake at night wondering if Frankie Muniz will ever make a comeback.