Five Reasons Why a Crab is a Better Best Friend Than a Human
By Brandon Cohen
We’ve all been there. It’s hour eight of a ten-hour road trip and we’re so fed up with our car companion, our supposed “best friend,” that we mumble to ourselves “ugh, sometimes I wish you were a crab.” This is followed by a defiant look out the window and uncomfortable silence for the rest of the trip.
There’s only so much human interaction one person can take, and nobody has realized that more than famed actor, teen heartthrob and star of TNT’s Dallas, Patrick Duffy. He’s forsaken his human companions in favor of a clever, wisecracking crustacean in the aptly titled KoldCast TV comedy, Patrick Duffy and the Crab.
The two pals chat about everything from Facebook to threesomes, as no subject is taboo when you’re in the company of a crab. While their genetic makeup may be very different, their bond is like that of fraternity brothers, although from what we can tell it doesn’t seem like they’ve ever been forced to puke on each other.
You are watching Patrick Duffy & The Crab, “Discuss a Threesome”
Duffy makes having a crab as a best friend cool again (as everyone knows it fell out of favor in 1962), so it got us thinking – why are we wasting time with all these stupid human friends when there are plenty of crabs out there that would kill for our friendship? Let’s explore five reasons why it would be better to have a crab as a best friend.
Getting into Fights at Bars
Patrick Duffy doesn’t only keep the crab around because he’s cool to hang out with. Celebs can’t go anywhere without being accosted by raving fans, and somebody has to have his back. Even if you’re not a celebrity, we’ve all had to deal with the wasted jerk at the bar that wants to fight you because you stepped on his sneaker. You can’t carry weapons with you every time you go to a bar just in case you end up getting in a fight, but a crab can! Crabs have claws, and they can inflict some serious damage. It’s like having a best friend who walks around with knives taped to his hands. Your other option is befriending Edward Scissorhands, but he’s such a goth. Total buzz kill!
Having a Workout Buddy
Have you ever tried to catch a crab? Those things are fast! They didn’t get that way sitting on their butts eating pad thai and playing NBA 2K12 all day like your human friends. Swimming and other water sports are among the best aerobic exercises one can do. All the time your best crab friend spends in the water will surely motivate you to get out of the house and finally get into shape. Just look at pictures of Patrick Duffy with his shirt off. How do you think he got that way? Good luck explaining to your roommate why your Google history now includes “shirtless Patrick Duffy pictures.”
You are watching Patrick Duffy & The Crab, “Watch America Idol”
Dealing with Disagreements
As you’ll notice in Patrick Duffy and the Crab, crabs and humans have a naturally great rapport. On the flip side, disagreements with your human best friend can get pretty heated. They never quite come to blows, but sometimes they get so intense that you say some regretful things. When the argument gets to that level, unfortunately there’s no “off” switch for your best friend. Patrick and the crab don’t always agree with one another, but rarely do things get overly contentious. If you do get into a tiff here and there with your best crab friend, feel free to step back and store them in a bedroom, refrigerator, shoebox, or pretty much anything with a door or lid. When things cool off, take them out and pickup right where you left off.
Picking Up Girls
Your human friends are really bad wingmen. They read some new book about how to get chicks to talk to them at bars, and it results in them spitting some embarrassing lines that elicit nothing but eye rolls and possibly a slap or two. You may think their tactics are weird, but you’re guilty by association. Patrick Duffy has a gaggle of women around him at all times because he’s a superstar celebrity, but the fact that he’s got a crab with him is what really seals the deal. Crabs are equated with fancy dinners by the shore and luxurious second homes in the Hamptons. If women see you toting around a crab BFF, they’ll think you’re some high society Rockefeller. They’ll be like putty in your hands.
You Can Eat Your Best Friend
There’s a stigma that exists about eating humans thanks to movies like Silence of the Lambs, but luckily that isn’t the case with crabs! Crabs are delicious. Not only are humans not very tasty, the prep is extremely messy, and there’s the whole murder charge that would probably ruin your life and devastate your family. Hopefully your best crab friend and you will be so close that it will never come to this, but it’s nice to know that if the two of you ever got stranded on a desert island, at least you’d get to have one delicious final meal before you get ripped to shreds by the territorial baboons. Watch Patrick very closely in Patrick Duffy and the Crab and you can pickup on the faintest hint of him thinking about boiling a pot of water before the next episode. It’s only a matter of time…
Brandon Cohen is a comedy writer who currently resides in NYC. He sends himself flowers weekly, and eats a Lean Cuisine for every meal. When not threatening children at his local park, he can be found trolling Craigslist for overweight women to help him complete his female body suit made of human skin. He also likes dogs.