Four of the Absolute Worst Secrets Guys Have Ever Kept From Their Girlfriends

By Brad Pike

Keeping secrets from your girlfriend is rarely a good idea, a fact thoroughly proven in just about every romantic comedy ever made. Other rom-com lessons are that girls fall down a lot, gay men are sources of wisdom, and awkward men make the best husband material.

Sticking with a movie metaphor, some secrets are so big they make King Kong look like Dunston Checks In – secrets like the one Jason Bloom keeps from his girlfriend on the quirky KoldCast TV comedy series CandyGirls. Unlike most MBA grads, Jason decides to deal with the unaccommodating job market by starting his own high-class escort service. Unfortunately, keeping his business a secret from his girlfriend proves to be a serious challenge.

You are watching Episode 1 of CandyGirls, “The World’s Oldest Profession”

Running an underground brothel is pretty risky business, but as we are often reminded, fact is stranger than fiction. We dug up a few true stories between lovers past and present that actually cast Jason’s little operation in a decent light. If you find yourself keeping any of the following secrets it’s time to come clean, or better yet, turn yourself in.

I’ve Been Filming You in the Bath

After dating Phillip for twelve years, Bethany thought she had him figured out — until she discovered the naked photos he took of her sleeping. Rather than keep these in the bedroom, he posted them on his bulletin board at work. One can only assume his employer’s reaction was something like, “Nice curves on the ole girlfriend, Phil. Anyway, about those forecasting reports…”

Bethany, of course, visited her righteous but terrible fury upon this creep, terrifying his children in the process who overheard the confrontation from downstairs. That should’ve been the end of it.

Then one day while showering, Bethany accidentally knocked down the shower curtain and discovered a webcam hidden inside it. When she examined Phil’s computer, she found hours of footage of her taking baths and even more footage on his personal and work phones. No porn. Just her. Naked.

With all this naked footage of her, perhaps she thought, ‘Well, at least he’s not looking at other women,’ but then again, there’s something a little unsettling about a man who likes to look at naked women lying perfectly still on their backs for long periods of time. Needless to say, Bethany and Phil were soon broken up.

I’m a Sex Offender… and a Woman

One day, you’re in a happy relationship with your long-term boyfriend; the next, he’s under arrest, and the police tell you “he’s” actually a she, and, oh by the way, she’s a sex offender. That’s what happened to single mother Jean, who’d been in an intimate relationship with a woman named Amanda, going by “Sam,” for years without ever suspecting her boyfriend might have a secret vagina Sidenote: Secret Vagina would make a great title for the Lifetime movie of this story.

How did Amanda impersonate a man for so long? First, she told Jean she’d had testicular cancer and wasn’t comfortable revealing her surgically mutilated genitals. Second, she told her the bandages wrapped around her chest to conceal her breasts were actually to conceal scars from a previous girlfriend’s attack.

Amanda explained away 18 months in prison, actually for sexual offenses against a 14-year old girl, as the sentence for nobly beating up a pedophile. As for the lack of an Adam’s apple, inability to grow facial hair, and feminine features, uh…love is blind?

Click to Watch Episode 2 of CandyGirls, All Tied Up”

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I’ve Been Pretending to be a Teenage Girl on the Internet

While saving an essay to the hard drive, Katie found photos of a random 16-year-old girl on her boyfriend Michael’s computer. A further search uncovered text files containing biographical information about this imaginary teenage girl and screenshots of Skype sessions depicting various men up to, shall we say, rather lascivious business.

She asked Michael about this impropriety, and he came squeaky clean. “I’ve been impersonating a teenage girl on the Internet in order to pleasure myself to guys pleasuring themselves to me as a teenage girl.” Katie thought, he’s nothing if not honest.

How often was he doing this? At least once a week, if not more. Unsure of what to make of this cyber-transvestite behavior, Katie decided to proceed in the manner of Lacuna, Inc., delete the incident from her memory and proceed with the relationship as if nothing had happened.

I May Have Murdered Three People

Breakups are never a cakewalk, but when Florida schoolteacher Sarah broke up with her boyfriend Jeff, it triggered a reign of terror lasting months and months. Jeff vandalized her home, called her constantly, and sent emails saying things like, “You messed me over and I will pay you back. Your job, your rep, all of it.”

Jeff started stalking her and continued even after receiving an order of protection. Then it got worse. He posted nude photos of Sarah along with her name, address, and the school where she worked onto adult websites, adding that she was a “teacher/stripper” and “super easy.” Unbelievably, it got even worse. Jeff invited strange men to her house expecting sex, putting Sarah in quite the pickle. He even mailed her a box of sex toys.

At this point, Sarah called Jeff’s biological mother for help and learned a fun fact about her sweet ex-boyfriend: HE ONCE MURDERED THREE PEOPLE FOR NO REASON AT ALL. Jeff, you see, used to be named Simon, and Simon, at fourteen years old, shot his adoptive father five times, stabbed his adoptive mother 15 times, and stabbed their 10-year-old son more than 20 times. These were people who presumably loved him, so Sarah couldn’t help but imagine what he might do to the girl who dumped his crazy ass.

Fortunately, the police arrested Jeff before Sarah got her question answered, and she moved on with her life.

The lesson: do the homework on your new beau before getting serious. You may be surprised at what you learn.

Brad Pike is a writer and standup in Chicago. He also writes for Thought Catalog.

Twitter: brad_pike; Blog:ieatfoundthings.blogspot.com