Jack Bauer vs. Chuck Norris: Who’s The Toughest Guy on the Planet?6

By Ariel Nishli, Feb 16, 2012 in Offbeat, Pop Culture

It is the penultimate question of our time. The ultimate question is how can we possibly pit these two unstoppable forces of nature against each other? Even contemplating such a battle will be sure to give you a three-week migraine. Trying to visualize it will result in a swift aneurism. Actually having these two American icons square off could actually destroy the very fabric of the universe itself!

In order to stave off certain death, we will not conjure up the fight to end all fights. KoldCast TV already has its hands full with freshman badass Nick Trever, trained American asset and star of the new thriller series The Division. Played by Andrew Bowen, Trever is a private security professional who uncovers a government conspiracy while searching for his kidnapped son. Trever’s “do not mess with me” status increases exponentially with every corrupt politician, misguided military contractor and ruthless assassin whom he neutralizes on the show.

The Division – Taken: Ep.1

His powers are growing dangerously close to those wielded by Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris. To see how far Trever has to go to reach their awesome strength, we must determine which of these two red-white-and-blue behemoths is the better man. In lieu of having them go mano a mano, we came up with the next best thing: a comparison list wherein we assess the guys based on their television careers, movie careers, and training. Let’s see who’s the toughest!

Television

Chuck Norris starred as Texas Ranger Sgt. Cordell Walker in the hugely popular CBS drama Walker, Texas Ranger. Norris’ character was a former Marine raised by his Native American uncle who upholds Texas law with his belief in the sacred code of the Old West. He’s a decorated Vietnam War vet and martial arts expert. So essentially, he’s Chuck Norris. In each episode Walker and his partner Clarence Gilyard investigate crimes around the Dallas and greater Texas area. They bring the perps to justice using a perfect blend of firearms and old-fashioned ass whooping. The series ran from 1993-2001, totaled 203 episodes and had a ridiculous theme song.

Jack Bauer’s claim to fame is of course 24, arguably Fox’s most popular television series, save maybe for The Simpsons. To sum it up, Bauer singlehandedly saves the United States from a major terrorist attack every season, doing so against loads of plot twists filled with dramatic intrigue. Each season of the series spans one day, with every episode unfolding in real time – one hour of Jack’s life. For all the struggling algebra students out there, there are exactly 24 episodes per season. Bauer is a member of the secretive Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) with an “ends justify the means” mentality to just about anything. He’s saved lives by rigging explosives, manipulating high-tech gadgets, kidnapping, torturing, resisting torture, and shooting just about every gun imaginable. 24 ran from 2001 until 2010, totaled 192 episodes and featured a lot of split screen action.

Winner: Jack Bauer. Saving the country from international terrorist groups trumps saving a Dallas bar from local gangbangers any way you cut it.

Movies

Since 1968, Norris has starred in over 34 movies, beginning with his first picture The Wrecking Crew alongside Dean Martin – yes, that Dean Martin. He was put on the map in his next role as a very formidable and very hairy nemesis to Bruce Lee –may he rest in Kung Fu peace – in Way of the Dragon. Norris went on to star in cult classics such as Good Guys Wear Black, The Octagon, An Eye for an Eye, and Lone Wolf McQuade. The prisoner of war franchise Missing In Action propelled him to stardom, setting the stage for his action hero staples Code of Silence, The Delta Force, and Firewalker, just to name a few.

As for Jack Bauer, there was the made-for-TV movie 24: Redemption that took place between seasons six and seven and a feature film version of 24 currently in development.

Winner: Chuck Norris. 34 to 1½.

Training

Chuck Norris had an active martial arts career in real life before he ever started acting. In fact, it was instrumental in getting him the villain role in Way of the Dragon. In 1958, Norris joined the US Air Force and trained as an Air Policeman before being shipped to South Korea where he started practicing the martial art Tang Soo Do. Though he went on to earn a black belt, Chuck felt the technique could be expanded and actually founded his own style of martial art named Chun Kuk Do or “The Universal Way” complete with its own Code of Honor. Once he was stateside, Norris went on to hold the title of Professional Middleweight Karate Champion for six consecutive years, Karate’s triple crown of tournament wins, Black Belt Magazine’s Fighter of the Year award, and most recently the Golden Lifetime Achievement Award by the World Karate Union.

Jack Bauer specialized in infantry operations in the US Army’s Delta Force before graduating from the military’s Airborne, Air Assault, and Ranger programs. After fifteen years of service, Bauer worked for the LAPD in Special Weapons and Tactics and the CIA in espionage. He was later recruited by the CTU where he’s proved to be an ace in multiple firearm usage, proficient in several languages including German, Spanish, Russian, Arabic, and Serbian, and generally uncovering massive conspiracies that threaten millions of lives.

Winner: Chuck Norris. His training is real.

Chuck Norris Facts

• When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he already had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life.
• Physics is bound by the laws of Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t own a lawn mower. He just stands in his yard and dares it to grow.
• When ghosts go camping, they sit around the fire and tell stories about Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer Facts

• Jack Bauer doesn’t need to search the Internet, he just stares a computer down until it gives him the information he needs.
• Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
• Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Jack Bauer
• Jack Bauer is the only reason why Waldo is hiding
• Jack Bauer refused a syringe at a blood bank. Instead, he asked for a gun and a bucket.

Winner: Whoever said, “you win some, you lose some” hasn’t met Chuck Norris. He wins some, then wins some more. Besides, Jack Bauer facts only exist because of Chuck Norris facts.

Then it’s settled. Chuck Norris currently holds sway in all things – oh, shoot… Gotta run! The Dos Equis guy is coming.

The Division – Genesis: Ep.2

Bonus Image – Elisha Cuthbert (played Jack’s daughter Kim in 24)

Bonus Video – The Trailer for Internet series 00:24, a spoof of FOX Television’s 24

In the 12-1/2 days since Stack Power went AWOL following the tragic e.coli accident of his former colleague, Curtis Manning, Burbank President Charles Slogan has been impeached for alleged misconduct at the Annual Street Sale and Allison Nailer has replaced him as the city’s first female president. While she attempts to heal a wounded neighborhood with the “First Annual BBQ for Peace and Unity,” internet chatter of an impending terrorist attack picks up. Although the N.W.U. (Neighborhood Watch Unit) has disbanded, a small few remain and continue to protect the neighborhood covertly. They are: Ronie Alschmeida, Trina Myers, Zoe O’Brien, and Hedgar Stiles. But without Stack Power’s guidance and unconventional tactics, they can’t do much more than follow the chatter and hope for the best. Little do they know that this is just the beginning… of the longest almost half hour of their lives.

Ariel Nishli has a big apple in his heart but moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in the entertainment industry after graduating from Vanderbilt University in 2007. He started in the motion picture literary department at ICM before moving on to feature film development at Parkes MacDonald Productions. Ariel’s wardrobe has steadily devolved from designer suits to worn out slippers, as he now focuses on screenwriting and freelance writing.