Killer Garden Parties, Leaving Las Vegas, and More Bras: What The World Would Look Like with a Rebooted Bible
By Dan Berry
Billions of people around the world live their lives according to the tenants set forth in the Bible. The stories contained in both the Old and New Testaments are among the most well known tales ever told and have provided the framework for civil society. But what if the Bible, much like the Spider-Man franchise, were given a reboot? Such is the question posed in the intriguing new show The Book of Dallas.
KoldCast TV’s highly imaginative series centers around Dallas McKay, a newspaper reporter and avowed atheist whose death suddenly brings him face-to-face with the God he didn’t believe existed. But God isn’t angry; instead, Dallas receives a charge: Return to Earth and write a new religious text – one that removes all of the reasons people use God to hate, kill, and discriminate against one another. Then, take it on a book tour and sell it.
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How would humanity respond if the exploits of biblical figures including Adam and Eve, David and Jesus were retooled? How would the world as we know it be altered if the Bible were rewritten? Some would argue that much good would come from a reboot, but surely there would be drawbacks as well. Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: Life would look drastically different. And so, prepare for a new take on a classic text.
Note: The thoughts below are solely those of the story’s author. They do not comprise the story of The Book of Dallas.
A Rotten Apple
Following the creation of the world, the story of Adam and Eve is the second tale to appear in the Bible. It concludes with Eve eating the forbidden fruit and Adam being cast out from the Garden of Eden.
Religious Revamp:The story forms the basis for the Christian doctrine of original sin, so if Eve does not eat the apple then there is no longer the need for the ritual of baptism. Unfortunately, this means we would have never had the classic culminating scene from The Godfather. However, it would also mean that Adam and Eve were never kicked out of Eden, so we’d all still be chilling there, enjoying a perfect utopian society and frolicking freely in fig leaves. Life would be the greatest garden party ever.
God Spares Sodom and Gomorrah
Sodom and Gomorrah are cities mentioned not just throughout the Bible, but in the Koran, as well. In Christian and Islamic traditions, the cities have become synonymous with impenitent sin leading to their fall with a proverbial manifestation of God’s wrath. In other words, God laid waste to the cities where sinners are winners because they were filled with people having way too good a time.
Religious Revamp: Apparently, God’s a party-pooper. But what if he weren’t? What if God had spared Sodom and Gomorrah? The world would be far more tolerant of non-traditional sexual practices. Since the best thing about Sodom was the sodomy, it’s safe to say homosexuality and gay marriage would be openly accepted and John Travolta would never have had to live a lie. Sadly, though, Las Vegas would not exist because who needs Sin City when there’s the Twin Cities of Sin?
David Gets Stomped By Goliath
Forget Rocky, Rudy and Dodgeball, the biblical tale of David and Goliath is the greatest underdog story ever told. But if the improbable hadn’t occurred and Goliath had, as expected, kicked the ever-living crap out of David, history would have been drastically altered.
Religious Revamp: First and foremost, the topic of bullying wouldn’t be such a burning issue today. After getting stomped by the giant, David would not have become king, instead choosing to go to law school. He would have then gone on to become the greatest Jewish lawyer of all-time, suing the crap out of Goliath and ushering in the first anti-bullying laws. Secondly, he would have never unified the two Jewish kingdoms of Judah and Israel, which would inevitably lead to a worldwide diaspora. Oh, wait a minute…
Mrs. Jesus Christ
The New Testament apocrypha are numerous accounts of Jesus by early Christians that were considered useful by the church but not deemed to be divinely inspired and thus were excluded from the Biblical cannon. Countless factors lead to these writings being left out, but a recurring theme in many of these “lost” texts was that Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute. Rather, she was the wife of Jesus and the most loved of all the disciples.
Religious Revamp: The theory that Mary Magdalene was, in fact, the wife of Jesus is the central point of Dan Brown’s best-selling novel The Da Vinci Code. But what the book and subsequent movie failed to cover was the actual result of attaching a ball and chain to the Lord our savior. For starters, it would have given more power to the fairer sex. Women’s suffrage and the entire feminist movement would have occurred a couple thousand years earlier. Of course, this does mean that men in the 1960s never would’ve gotten to see all those babes burning their bras.
Jesus Fails To Turn Water Into Wine
Jesus Christ is the greatest wedding guest of all-time. According to the Gospel of John, he was attending a marriage in Cana of Galilee with his mother and disciples when the party ran out of wine. Not one to let the music die, Jesus turned water into wine by performing a miracle. This was the first public miracle of Jesus in the Gospel of John and it revealed his glory and made his disciples believe in him.
Religious Revamp: If Jesus had failed to turn water into wine, who knows what would have become of him and his message? Most likely, the crowd would’ve behaved like the football players in PCU when they show up at the party to find there’s no chips. The wedding guests would’ve grown so angry and unruly and the disciples would have believed Jesus to be a fraud. The Son of God’s teachings would have thus been ignored and his message would never have reached the masses. Ouch.
Dan Berry staggered onto the comedy scene while drinking heavily and skipping class at New York University. The warped mind behind The Prison Kite and HBO’s upcoming project The Bid, Dan has served as a network staff writer and is co-author of the soon-to-be-released biopic Madoff Uncuffed, documenting disgraced financier Bernie Madoff’s first year behind bars. Be the first person to follow him on Twitter @RealDanBerry.