Six Reasons Why Superhero Sex Is Bad News
By Dan Berry
“With great power comes great responsibility.” A well-meaning uncle once told Spider-Man that. The wall-crawler obviously got the message, but not all superheroes are quite so open to suggestion. Some refuse to abide by common sense. They choose to think with the brain between their legs, not the one perched atop their muscular neck.
Aside from the obvious, people with superpowers aren’t actually much different than you or I. They crave companionship. They have urges. They make mistakes. The difference is that their mistakes, like their physical and mental capabilities, are magnified.
You are watching Episode 1 of Super Knocked Up, “One Night Stand”
When Jessica James, the most kick-ass super-villain on the planet, gets knocked up by womanizing superhero Michael Masters, the consequences are far more dire than a trip to planned parenthood.
Season 1 of KoldCast TV’s outrageous series Super Knocked Up follows Jessica as she is forced to manage morning sickness and sonogram appointments with her archnemesis. It’s the ultimate odd couple struggling to cope with the consequences of their sordid tryst.
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Super Knocked Up pulls back the curtain to reveal the mortal side of the super-powered. More importantly, it brings to light the dangers of superhero sex and how such uncanny coitus can prove catastrophic.
Six Reasons Why Superhero Sex Is Bad News
This is a question each and every one of us has pondered while perusing a comic at some point in our lives: How could a thin layer of latex possibly contain a superhero’s super-seed? The answer is, it couldn’t. For any semblance of sexual safety, Star Labs would have to be brought in as consultants on some sort of super-powered prophylactic constructed of a Kevlar/Adamantium/Vibranium/Kryptonite blend.
And such condoms wouldn’t come cheap, which would unfortunately lead to more superheroes going commando. What then? If a rubber can’t contain the goods, how would a mere mortal woman’s uterus handle the blast?
Speaking of safe sex, the philosopher Kenny Powers once quipped, “It’s not just for my protection. You don’t know what sh*t I got either.” Well, that goes double for superheroes. To overcome a super-immune system would take a monster of a super-virus. Evolution is universal. So count your lucky stars. Put your hands together and give it up for the clap ‘cause superhero sex comes with the risk of contracting an infection that makes Chlamydia look like the common cold. Even Wolverine can’t recover from super-STDs.
Crisis of Infinite Costumes
A couple of superheroes meet for a nooner. Things are getting hot and heavy when suddenly the city needs them. They leap out of bed, throw on their costumes and rush to the scene of the crime, only to realize they’re each wearing the other’s tights. How can Batman be expected to dish out heaping portions of justice when he’s rocking Catwoman’s leopard-print leggings? Talk about embarrassing. Criminals of Gotham would never take the “Dark Knight of Drag” seriously again and the city would succumb to anarchy.
Superhero sex is exceptionally awful when superpowers aren’t compatible. Sure, Mr. Fantastic can always find a date, but what self-respecting woman wants to be wooed by The Flash? And if you already have trouble pleasuring a partner, imagine the nightmare of trying to get in-tune with the Invisible Woman’s body. Let’s just say that special spot would be infinintely harder to find. Superheroes may defy logic, but sex is still all about chemistry.
I Can Feel It Kicking!
Remember that scene in Alien when the creature bursts through… No, wait. That’s a bit too extreme. Let’s try this: Remember that scene in Pineapple Express when James Franco tries to kick out the windshield of the cop car and his foot goes straight through and his leg gets stuck… Well, that’s what a woman’s stomach would look like if a super-fetus decided to play footsy. As the great Stan Lee likes to say, “’Nuff said.”
Don’t Make Me Get My Belt!
Children have a knack for getting into trouble. As a result, they often need to be punished. But how does a superhero spank a kid without killing the troublesome tot? Even a simple smack on the bottom could cripple the brat. And if the child also possesses super-powers, dad wouldn’t be lying when he says, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” Certainly something for Michael Masters to think about.
Dan Berry staggered onto the comedy scene while drinking heavily and skipping class at New York University. The warped mind behind The Prison Kite and HBO’s upcoming project The Bid, Dan has served as a network staff writer and is co-author of the soon-to-be-released biopic Madoff Uncuffed, documenting disgraced financier Bernie Madoff’s first year behind bars. Be the first person to follow him on Twitter @RealDanBerry.