The Top Ten Worst Rap Lines of All Time1
By Ben Mones
Hip-hop means something different to everybody. You may despise it. All that yelling over noise – how can that be defined as music? Or, you might love it, finding meaning in those soulful rhymes. Whatever your dispensation, the genre has grown immensely popular, especially among nerdy, white suburban kids.
Icons like Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. and Grandmaster Flash not only changed the face of music, they also gave a voice to an entire generation, across the socioeconomic and racial spectrum. On the other hand, self-proclaimed bosses like Soulja Boy, Young Jock and Lil B spit some incomprehensible nonsense. Google these duds’ lyrics, and you may find their raps are at best ironic, and at worst, misogynistic lies.
Many talented rappers fall somewhere in the middle, like the hustling newcomer Richard Scribe, the main act of KoldCast TV’s comedy series White Collar Poet. When he’s not busy as a yuppie insurance broker, Richard spends every free moment honing his craft as a rapper and slam poet. Needing an outlet for his struggling marriage, this Men’s Warehouse Gangsta turns to the streets, dropping rhymes on unsuspecting pedestrians.
You are watching Episode 1 of White Collar Poet, “Epiphany”
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Rappers like Scribe are climbing the ladder towards lyrical greatness. Many others aspire but fall short of the mark – miles short. Some at the top just have poor showings every now and again. Yet they all get record deals, produce music videos, and rack up iTunes sales. Feeling inspired? We’ll fix that. Here are the top ten worst rap lines of all time:
1. Hood playa from Bankhead, I stay by Grandma Nana / I lay by my banana, dumpin’ and punkin’ monkey
~ Young Dro, “Shoulder Lean”
I’m not sure what it means to “dump and punk” a “monkey” and I don’t even want to know why he sleeps with a banana, but we’re pretty sure Grandma Nana would not approve of this behavior.
2. I’m bouncin’ off the road / I’m in a modem with a fodem, Tiny Toon
~ Yungstar, “Wanna Be a Baller”
Yungstar is liberal with his word choice, so liberal that he invents new words like “fodem.” Out of curiosity, how exactly do you get inside a modem? On a separate note, we do kind of miss Tiny Toons.
3. I don’t go backwards / And I don’t practice / And I don’t lack sh*t / And you can get buried / And suck my back b*tch
~ Lil Wayne, “Barry Bonds”
Wayne, we are impressed that you lack nothing whatsoever. We also appreciate the heads up that we may find ourselves buried, unless that’s a threat, in which case what did we ever do to you? Now as far as sucking your back goes, do you mean your vertebrae? Shoulder blades? Your fodem? Need a little clarity on that.
4. Get out of my face! / Get out of my face! / Get out of my face! / Get out of my face!
~ Soulja Boy, “Yahhh!”
I can’t believe this is actually the chorus of a published song. It almost sounds like poor Soulja Boy can’t wake up from a super scary nightmare. We have to give him a D- for variety on this one, but can’t really hate too much on Soulja Boy, because five years and over 13 million views later, we’re still watching this video inspired by his first hit.
5. Bikinis, zucchinis, martinis, no weenies…
~ Snoop Dogg, “California Gurls”
Snoop definitely has the rhyming component down for his part in Katy Perry’s iconic ode to the west coast. This is also quite possibly the greatest example of a famous rapper sitting in his ridiculous mansion, just asking himself, “Ok, now what rhymes with zucchini…”
6. I look like Bill Gates mixed with Obama
~ Lil B, “Hoes on my D*ck”
Can you even imagine what that combo would look like?
7. And I’m lockey lockey / Leave you pokey pokey / No rice-a-roni / That’s the okey-dokey
~ Cam’ron, “Get ‘em Girls”
There’s something vaguely sexual here that has to do with food and feeling very satisfied. We think Cam’ron must’ve been channeling George Costanza from Seinfeld’s “Blood” episode where he combines Pastrami, sex, and television into the ultimate pleasure experience.
8. Never let me slip, cuz if I slip, then I’m slippin’
~ Dr. Dre, “Nuthing but a G Thang”
We actually love this song, so it’s hard to call out the good doctor, but it’s a clear example of why Dr. Dre famously hired ghostwriters to produce his content. He makes killer beats, top-notch headphones, but when it comes to lyrics the creativity’s a wee bit dry.
9. Girl, you taste like nut juice
~ R. Kelly, “Kiss Your Candy”
By now it’s common knowledge that Mr. Kelly has had his fair share of challenges with being branded a complete pervert. The ambiguity of his sexual orientation is another topic altogether, but analyzing lines like this leave little to the imagination.
10. F*cking magnets, how do they work?
~ Insane Clown Posse, “Miracles”
ICP has a cult following who call themselves “Juggalos”. They wear excessive amounts of clown makeup and are credited with, well, nothing too beneficial – unless you dress up as a deranged clown and love to party. “Miracles” does bring an important question back to the national forum though. Just how do magnets work?
Ben Mones was imported to Brooklyn from the west coast in an egg transport truck. He claims to have come up with the idea for the League of Nations, although the League’s rise and fall was well before his birth. He likes to use big words like “egg transport” and “truck.”