We Need to Talk… The Most Dysfunctional Couples on TV Today

By Annie Murphy

Following the euphoric honeymoon period of every relationship, those pesky dormant habits and underlying issues begin to surface.  Some couples turn to a professional to work through the kinks and strengthen their bond.  In KoldCast TV’s smart comedy The Marriage Counselor, the counselor offers his “guidance” to unassuming couples who quickly figure out they may be better off with a DIY tactic.

These couples have a variety of issues that could be treated if the counselor would only focus on them instead of his own crude anecdotes. Francesca and Brandon, for example, are unable to make their schedules sync-up in order to spend quality time together. Then you have Ali and Scott, who have a difference of opinion on what constitutes good sex.  In episode three, Lance and Katie question when the best time to lose their virginity is. These couples are desperate for good advice. While that in itself isn’t troubling, things get scary when you realize their counselor is the one who needs more help than he could ever afford to give.

You are watching “Jerry & Amanda Case #421,” from The Marriage Counselor

Click to watch “Matt & Anna, Case #999”

Misery does love company, so we profiled the crème de la crème of dysfunctional marriages on TV today. Compared to the couples on The Marriage Counselor, their problems look like storybook romances compared to these folks.

Walter and Skyler White, Breaking Bad

This couple has been through it all.  They have dealt with cancer, a disabled son and something not every couple encounters: methamphetamine.  A second cell phone and late nights out had Skyler thinking Walter was cheating. “Don’t worry honey, just cooking up some crystal with a former student in a mobile meth lab.” At least it’s in the name of family…at first. A midlife crisis usually prompts people to buy expensive things, not become a drug kingpin.

Maggie Jordon and Don Keefer, The Newsroom

Here is an on and off again couple who, despite their collective wit, cannot seem to make it stick. It probably does not help that they work together and have other people waiting to swoop in every time they fight – a through line in practically every episode.  Perhaps the fast-paced dialogue they use in the newsroom causes some miscommunication.  Also, it is fairly obvious that Maggie is smitten with another co-worker, and Don may have slept with one too many women during their breaks.  A therapist may require them to keep a relationship journal to track how often they fight, but then how would they find time to report the news?

Frank and Julia Houston, Smash

A musical number can’t help this broken couple, but they have a fighting chance if Julia can stay away from her persistent ex-lover.  Perhaps writing a Broadway musical about the life of Marilyn Monroe was the catalyst to her naughty behavior.  Marilyn never had a moody teenage son to worry about, though.  A therapist may tell them to focus on rebuilding trust, but a night of role-playing as Marilyn and Joe DiMaggio might do the trick.  Technically, she only has one strike if having an affair with the same man twice counts as double jeopardy.

Sookie Stackhouse, Bill Compton and Eric Northman, True Blood

This rollercoaster of a threesome is so hot and cold, we never know who belongs to whom. Having two sexy vampires fight over you is never dull, but all the back and forth seems a bit immature for men over 100 years old.  Bill and Sookie have their own love theme song, but Eric and Sookie sure know how to get it on in the woods.  Sookie once had a dream involving both men, but alas, vampires do not like to share their humans.  A therapist might point out that the two of them are only obsessed with Sookie because she has intoxicatingly delicious fairy blood coursing through her veins.  The most likely response would be a flash of their fangs. The session, we fear, would end up a blood bath, leaving poor Sookie guilt-ridden over yet another murder.

Cersei Baratheon and Jaime Lannister, Game of Thrones

This couple does not face the common issues of trust or a dull sex life.  In fact, they have a fantastic sex life and their devotion is insurmountable.  They have no qualms about hurting an innocent child to keep their love affair a secret.   What’s wrong with two beautiful blondes in love?  Nothing aside from the fact that they’re brother and sister! Not only that, but they’re twins! It’s doubtful just how much help a therapist can be in this situation. Maybe they need a family counselor instead?

Peter and Lois Griffin, Family Guy

Sure, they’re animated, but who says animated couples can’t use therapy, too? They live in a world where domestic violence is okay and you can wear the same outfit everyday without people giving you the stink eye.  Their take on child rearing is atrocious and the lessons they learn at the end of each episode are lost on the next.  Despite Peter’s asinine antics, Lois the pushover always forgives him.  A therapist may tell Lois she is an enabler, allowing Peter to parade around naked, drunk and fight endless battles with a scary rooster.  Luckily for them, their mistakes can literally be erased.

Winning Match: Walter White and Sookie Stackhouse! In a parallel universe of Breaking Blood, these two would make the perfect couple.  Her mind-reading abilities would ensure total openness and honesty in the relationship, while dating a younger woman would fit oh-so-well into Walter White’s ongoing mid-life crisis. Plus, she clearly digs older men!

Annie Murphy has been obsessed with writing since she learned English at age seven. Originally from Burma, her unique background gives her a fresh perspective and voice. She has an addictive personality mainly towards TV shows, Flaming Hot Lime Cheetos and gangsta rap.