You’re Thinking of Someone Else: Things All Women Do and Deny, Deny, Deny2
By CT Goodson
While women have come a long way since suffrage and bra-burning, there are still areas in which we struggle; where we’re not completely comfortable owning our primitive feminine side when it rears its spa coiffed head.
Much like the ladies of KoldCast TV’s new confessional comedy series You’re Thinking of Someone Else, most women readily offer anecdotes of being in uncomfortable situations where they ultimately took that high, ladylike, gracious road and fared well. What most women can’t admit to though, is the other less refined behavior more likely to be covered in an episode HBO’s Sex in the City, newcomer Girls, or KoldCast’s little gem.
You are watching the first episode of You’re Thinking of Someone Else, “Legs”
“Legs”, is based on an essay written by Katie Schwartz, “My Legs Are Closed For Business”. “Legs” is about a woman’s decision to meet every man she’s ever chatted with online for coffee in a single day. Oh, what a disaster that turns out to be.
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A lifestyle of multi-tasking raised to an art form, a memory of bad romance or a rogue hormone can tip the scales of respectable feminine perfection in favor of the gleeful savages we were before evolution tamed us and the Equal Rights Act freed us. Following are the results of an informal poll of anonymous women from all walks of life. These are just a few examples of the things women do, whom if confronted, will likely tell you that You’re Thinking of Someone Else.
A police officer friend of mine says she takes her boyfriend’s phone and checks the text history. If he’s used a laptop and left it in the area, she’ll look at his browser history too. He hasn’t confronted her yet, but she says that if it ever does happen, and he hasn’t been texting anyone he shouldn’t have, she intends to remind him that he’s probably thinking of his last girlfriend who was an insecure whiner.
We trash stuff…
This is something that seems to occur after an extremely provocative event – like finding out that your boyfriend/husband is a disloyal infidel who has slept with the woman’s now former best friend. My twenty-something hairdresser tells me she hears this from her clients all the time – in the third person. She retells the story of how her “cousin” trashed her ex-fiancée’s prized but moldy collection of vinyl in a fit of blind rage after discovering an old, undated love letter in a desk drawer. It’s a clever technique that makes the triumph palatable while adding a bonus cleanup guilt trip to the equation.
On Facebook. On Google. On every social network or search engine at our disposal. We Google the hell out of someone if we think they are relationship material. Then we Facebook forage to figure out who their exes are. Then we Google those chicks, too. Knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed. And I’ve never actually done this. You’re thinking of someone else.
We tell our girlfriends EVERYTHING…
It is a universal truth and a secret we carry to our graves. Our best friend knows everything – including our boyfriend’s bank account information, how well he performs, his idiosyncrasies and the latest stupid thing he’s done. This is where denial enters the picture. When said boyfriend does something stupid and asks if we’ve told anyone about it, we deny it. This is ok because our best friend isn’t just “anyone”. In fact, if we’re honest, she is the one person who knows that we’re breaking up at least two weeks before he even has a clue.
We fantasize about naked men…
Although I’m not sure why, a friend of mine would never dream of telling her husband of 10 years (or anyone besides me) that she still fantasizes about him naked before he actually gets naked. And she watches adult movies. She doesn’t get them, but she occasionally watches them to see if she will EVER get them. Then she goes back to fantasizing about her man before she lets him get naked.
We leave hair EVERYWHERE…
We don’t actually have naturally silky skin made of honey and milkweed. We have to shave and buff and pumice. A quick peak at your shower drain should provide ample evidence for the hush-hush shedding that every polished woman undergoes. Usually our heads aren’t the only places from which the hair must fall… We’ll let your imagination take care of the rest.
We enjoy sex…
We will never admit to sleeping with a lot of men, even if we have. I have not yet met a woman who will discuss the number of partners she has entertained, especially when asked by a man. It seems that the quality of the sex is far more important than the quantity. Then again, the unwillingness of all the women surveyed to offer a number speaks to the negative stigma still associated with promiscuous girls. It’s always that friend of a friend who has too little self-respect or too many daddy issues.
There are a lot of other things that women do, but will not openly admit to: nose picking, farting, bi-curiosity, getting an awful tattoo, peeing in the shower, gossiping, plastic surgery, cougardom – the list goes on and on, and for good reason. Women are special creatures who create the allure of effortless perfection. A measure of privacy is needed in order to present ourselves as we wish. The key to not losing our sense of self in becoming someone else’s accepted idea of perfection is to own these private indulgences, desires and whimsical natures. We earned them. All women need their secrets.
CT Goodson is an independent writer from Chicago. She is an active board member of a Chicago area writers group that promotes the education and support of writers of all genres. She is currently working on a novel and deftly managing life’s chaos and is the keeper of her own secrets.