5 Sneaky Ways To Alter Your Consciousness at Work
By Annie Cooper
As today winds down a short workweek and the country grows antsy for Fourth of July shenanigans, we’re reminded that office life has a funny way of being soul-crushing.
Even with startup culture transforming clichéd cubicle farms into open workspaces, it’s that pervasive drone of air conditioning; the incessantly bubbling water cooler, Internet restrictions and endless meetings that keep our eye fixated on the clock and our thoughts fixated on making it turn faster.
Bryce Snodgrass, the affable central character of KoldCast TV’s raunchy, TV-MA rated series Lunch Break, has found a way to make the workday far more tolerable – dare we say, enjoyable? Good ol’ alcohol consumption! Drinking at work certainly isn’t a new idea, but with the throwback customs of two-martini lunches and a well-stocked office bar now reserved for episodes of Mad Men, we have to get creative. Bryce devises an effective, if rather unsavory way to sneak his liquor at work and finds the means to earn a little supplemental income to boot.
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Lunch Break: “Toxic Shock”
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Episode 2 of Lunch Break: “Stick Finger”
Unlucky for us, most offices aren’t equipped with eccentric, bearded vodka pushers, so when it comes to mid-day inebriation, we’re on our own. Yet you need not worry, weary worker bees. For the days that you just can’t stare soberly into that motivational poster, here’s how to get your surreptitious buzz on.
This method’s pure awesomeness can be articulated quite simply: you get tipsy eating Gummy bears. Or worms, if that’s your bag. The porous material of the gummies soak up the liquor, and pretty soon you’ve got the equivalent of Jell-O shots in puffy, squishy, bite-sized, whimsical shapes. Knock ‘em back solo or spill ‘em in a crystal dish and share with your co-workers. The interoffice conga line should follow in less than 45 minutes. Try it with a little Captain Morgan’s, and you’ll have Rummy Bears!
The Salema Porgy
Everyone knows it’s bad office etiquette to cook stinky food in the communal microwave, but in this case you probably won’t mind. The Sarpa salpa, more commonly known as the Salema porgy, was a fish widely eaten throughout the Roman Empire for its golden stripes known to induce serious auditory and visual hallucinations. The fishy drug went relatively untouched for centuries until a couple of guys unwittingly ordered it at a restaurant off the coast of the Mediterranean in 2006 and began to trip mid-meal. While your co-workers are giving you well-deserved grief for the smell of harbor seal breath wafting down the hallway, you probably won’t notice because that plastic Fichus plant at your desk is in the middle of a hilarious story.
Claims that binaural beats may hold the cure for stress, anxiety, and a host of other issues have been around since their discovery in the mid-1800s. That is, until teenagers of the Internet generation got wind of it and talked the idea into a potential drug fest. Purveyors of iDosing claim that the binaural “beats”, pulsating tonal rhythms of different frequencies played in each ear, can be mixed with other noises to elicit feelings of stimulation and euphoria comparable to marijuana or even heroin highs. No one can confirm that this actually works, but everyone seems to agree that it can’t really hurt. So if you’re having a case of the Mondays, just pop in those ear buds and relax with some fuzzy, distorted, atonal ear smack.
You know that hipster over in marketing who considers himself a “mixologist” and makes every damn drink at the office party with small-batch, locally-crafted, artisan vodka he’s personally infused with Jerusalem artichokes and the perspiration of 53 newborn wood sprites? Well, there’s no better way to show him up then going vintage. Like really, really vintage. Laudanum was a common over-the-counter analgesic and cough suppressant until the early 1900’s, when people started to wonder if a routine trip to the pharmacy should allow one to acquire a potent opium extract. It’s actually still available by prescription today, but unless you’re a heroin-addicted new mother who needs to wean your infant’s withdrawal, or you have serious, serious diarrhea, good luck.
Oh, America. Only here can some brilliant bastard take a good hard look at those silly tubed beer hats and think to themselves, “I can do better”. And thank goodness they did, because there is now a women’s bra that stores an entire bottle of wine in its cups. The only drawback is that your fellow employees may wonder how it’s possible that you’ve, eh, shrunk so much from 3:30 to 5:00 PM. Small price to pay for a boozy, booby afternoon.
If it’s good enough for Kelly than it’s good enough for me!
Fair warning that experimenting with any of the above methods may place your livelihood in real jeopardy. Though whatever the consequences, rest assured that Lunch Break’s Bryce Snodgrass would be very proud.
Click to watch Episode 3 of Lunch Break: “FML”
I raise you a raise.
Episode 4 of Lunch Break: “Job Promotion”
Annie Cooper is a writer, armchair public transportation advocate, and aspiring taco critic. She has written columns and specialized training materials related to children with special needs, parenting issues, and early childhood development. Her writings are geared toward therapists, social workers, and teachers of young children with complex medical and developmental issues. She recently left her job in social services in an effort to become part of the problem, rather than the solution. Annie lives in Los Angeles, but she’s not from there – nobody’s from there.